note to self.

I am firm believer of the saying: there is someone out there meant only for me and that when we finally meet, things would be perfect; our hands would fit each other perfectly, our hearts would at last combine, and that my "search" would finally be over. On the other hand, I also believe that there is actually no perfect relationship, or guy (or personality, for that matter) that is born or shaped just for me. My belief relates most to the quote: We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect one. Of course this is disputable but I think most of us tend to search for the right person and relationship instead of creating one. Wouldn't it be easier -and perhaps be resulting in less heart breaks- if during arguments, couples avoid the words: break up? Sometimes I wish, instead of saying "I'm sorry, but we are better off separated", things would be better if we say "let's work this out together". I'm not saying it would be easy, for we may not know whether things would really work out or get even worse, I'm saying we try. Sure, there'll be ups and downs to this and at some point we would perhaps look back and think it might be easier if we had given up, but what if we had given up the one and changed our so-called destiny? I'm not saying we shouldn't give up either, all I'm saying is why take the easy way out when problems are meant to teach us lessons? Why give up just for the sake of avoiding pain?
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach out to another is to risk involvement. To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."  (source)


my 2010 in a post

I cried, fought for love, made bad decisions, tried and failed, smiled, laughed hard, attended a best friend's graduation, read great books, found songs with beautiful lyrics, had my first paycheck, held on too tight, gave up and learned the harsh truth that not everyone's going to be around forever, so I cherish the ones I have now and believe that in the end, everything is going to be just fine :)



I talk about happiness like I know what it means completely. I write about love, relationships and the term moving on as if I have already gotten the hang of them while in fact, I'm still far. But don't get me wrong. I wrote about being happy because at that moment, I really am happy (or at least I thought I was). I wrote about moving on and not looking back not because I have mastered them. There are still countless times when I find myself looking back, too. I wrote about them solely because I want to remind myself as many times as possible, that if I believe, everything will work out just fine. You see, I'm actually using a trial and error approach here. You know the term: go with the flow? Basically, I let life take me to wherever I belong, and often times, I don't question it. If it changes my perspective, I let it do so. If life brings me up to the state where I feel happy, I appreciate it, and If life throws me back to the ground, I will, at my best, get up and start all over again. Hence as I do that, I learn. That's the whole point. You go with the flow, made bad decisions, screwed up, cried, but you learn. Sometimes you won't learn the lesson in the first time you screw up, sometimes you learn  the lesson the hard way, sometimes you do the same mistakes again and again. That doesn't mean you are a failure. It simply means that you are brave enough to follow your heart, make mistakes and learn from them.

feeling blue

So I was listening to a presentation by my fellow classmates, a part of me was trying to focus on what they say and another part of me, however, can't help but to let my eyes wander. I was obviously trying to take mental pictures of the whole class, some of them have been in the same tutorial class as I am for almost 3 years now and it just hit me, that one day, when I'm busy working my ass off trying to make ends meet, or maybe one day when I'm all set with family of my own, the memories would come and I'll be missing this time. I will absolutely miss university life, like I am missing my high school life right now. It's such a weird feeling, you know, that feeling bittersweet memories always bring out. It's kinda like you want to travel back to those times and probably live in that time because you know at the back of your mind, no matter how hard it was back then, you've gone through it, and survived. And if you could, you would probably choose to stay forever because you are scared that the future won't turn out to be as sweet as it was in the past. But remember, as days go by, things will slowly change, it could be good or bad, but at the end of the day, everything will unfold, the lies and the truths that no one wanted to talk about. Soon, everything good will fall into the right place and if things are meant to be, it will be. 
Reminiscing the old times are good but it takes you nowhere, if anything, it merely brings out regrets (and maybe a little smile on your face) but you'll find yourself walking backwards while the most important thing you need to do is to move forward and create new memories.
So take more pictures, laugh at lame jokes, appreciate the moment as if all of them will be taken away one day, because they will. Say whatever things you want to say and don't forget to tell the people you love how much they mean to you, but remember, it's not because you want to hear the "I love you too" it's because you know that when you say "I love you", you make them feel appreciated and loved and they will remember you for the rest of their lives.
I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelo


remember december

Take a look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see looking back. Is it the person you want to be, or is there someone else you were meant to be; the person you should have of been, but feel short. Is someone telling you, you can't or won't because you can. Believe that love is out there. Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do. Sometimes happiness doesn't come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friend and family or from the quite nobility of leading a good life. And believe that dreams come true everyday because they do. So take a look in that mirror remind yourself to be happy because you deserve to be. 
-One Tree Hill (via henzellovestosmile)
photo source


The Flood Song

I was sleeping at the back seat of the car during a road trip to Fraser's Hill with friends and I remember waking up to the view of series of hills and this song. We were actually driving on a one-way winding road surrounded by what looks like deep gorges on one side and hills on the other. The visibility was low because of the fog and well, it was only 7 in the morning.
Somehow, listening to this song again takes me back to that day, at the back seat, sipping a cup of warm coffee, enjoying the view. I love all other songs by Andre Harihandoyo and The Sonic People, but this has been my favorite :)


"I feel great! I really mean it. I have to remember this for the next time I'm having a terrible week. Have you ever done that? You feel really bad, and then it goes away, and you don't know why. I try to remind myself when I feel great like this that there will be another terrible week coming someday, so I should store up as many great details as I can, so during the next terrible week, I can remember those details and believe that I'll feel great again. It doesn't work a lot, but I think it's very important to try."
-Charlie (The Perks of Being a Wallflower).


moving on.

You find yourself in a car driving fast on a freeway leaving your hometown behind, you are driving alone to an unknown place, but you know for sure you have to go. Of course, it feels like a major part of you is there in your hometown and so you can't stop looking at the rear view mirror. You see the crowded city, the tall building, then you see them slowly fade away, but still, you can't take your eyes off of it because you keep thinking of how comfortable and good it was when you were there. And perhaps, you regret having to leave so you try your best to take a mental picture of your home for the last time, and just when you are about to turn to the windshield, you see another car just in front of you slowing down, so you panic and crash into a guardrail. 
Few months later, there you are, gaining your strength and it seems like you have overcome your trauma of driving. So you find yourself driving again in a new car, with a rear view mirror of course, but now that you have learned your lesson the hard way, you don't seem to be much bothered by what's behind you, yeah you may look back once in a while, but you realize that you've done your best, you've tried, and maybe you've lost but everyone's moving on and the world is waiting for no one. Then you turn up the radio just a little higher so that you can sing along to your favorite songs and believe it or not, now you start to enjoy the front view.



Give it time. If you think you'll never get over someone, if you think you have nothing good left, and if you think you'll never be happy again, let me tell you a secret. You will. There's nothing wrong with giving everything you have to the ones you love (or you once were in love with), as a matter of fact, you have to give your best to them, you have to trust that they'll never leave or hurt you, because that's how it works, you know.. You love as if you'll never be hurt, even when you know that everyone leaves, eventually. You've got to have faith, because that's how you'll grasp the idea of what love truly means.


Here in my room.

It's sad. The fact that we,at some point, will always wish we were someone else. It's just sad that we can't be thankful for what we have and instead, we keep complaining about how lucky someone else is. It's sad that it took me ages of whining and complaint to find out that happiness means loving what is given to me with all my heart.


You can.No matter what.

Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. And most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong.
quote taken from here
photo taken from here


This may sound completely bias.

My friends used to ask me why I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter account, and most of the times, I would simply respond by telling them how those social networks bore me -which to some extent, they really do. But it sounds a little too cliché, isn't it? I mean, I used to update my status and post new photos frequently and then out of the blue, I decided  to deactivate my account only because I'm bored. And I really thought it was the main reason, too, but truth is, I started to get this uneasy feeling whenever I see or read "informations" I generally don't care or worse, don't want to know about. You know that saying: what you don't know won't hurt you? yeah, I think I know what it means now. For me, it's better to know nothing rather than to end up being hurt knowing something. Well, I don't know, maybe this is just my insecurity talking, but I think life is all about choosing what is good and what makes us happy. Besides, rather than spending ample time worrying about unnecessary stuffs, I think people should surround themselves with positive things, and for me, those social networks have become too "open" that I choose not to involve in them, because after all life's too short to be anything but happy, right?
But then again, this could be just another distorted opinion coming from my insecurity.
photo source


little piece of heaven.

Soon, you will forget all those things and people that became the reasons of why you do certain things. You just know you did, and you know for certain that whether it made you feel happy or left you with a tinge of regret, the things you did in the past shaped you into who you are now. And who you are now is what matter the most. So thank the people from your past, for giving you sweet memories to be recalled during the next not-so-good days, for teaching you the value of time, and for letting you go when the time comes so that you have the chance to meet other great people in the future. 
The best day of my life was not when I had the one I love all to myself.
The best day of my life was when I finally learned that love is not just about a person or how sweet one relationship is. Love is fighting hard for the happiness of the ones you love. It means going through rejections and heartbreaks and still have the hope and courage to love all over again.
The best day of my life was when I learned that letting go is the first step to pursuing happiness.
photo source

'In pieces yet one'

About a month ago, this Indonesian society (komando) in my campus held an event called Indo Night. It is normally held every year where most Indonesian performers from universities here in Malaysia get to show off their talent or something like that. What's special from this event was that we managed to invite Tompi, an Indonesian Jazz singer to Malaysia. Here's a little video summary from the day of the event.

Credit goes to the photographer


My life so far

In no time, Christmas and new year will soon kick in and just like that, one more year has passed. Seems like just yesterday, when I began the year 2010 by listing down my new year's resolutions in mind and making plans toward it. For me, the year 2010 is indifferent from the previous years. Same routine, circle of friends and it looks like nothing has changed. But to think about it, I think it's safe to say that I am no longer the same person I was a year ago.
I've learned that running away from pain will hurt even more than facing it. Attach and Detach. There's a chapter in Tuesdays with Morrie that says "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live". It basically means that rather than avoiding problem, it will be much easier if we let our emotions in to the problem. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then you can say, 'All right. I have experienced the emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment'. I am glad I let myself go with the pain (attach) rather than escaping from it, because only then I could realize what I realize now,-that pain (and loneliness) is nothing but a state of mind and now is the perfect time for me to detach from it. The year 2010 was both hell and heaven to me. I could still remember all those pointless drama, hectic exams, boring internship period, and how me and my friend cried happy tears in our car after our then boss told us not to come to the office ever again. (haha!)
The year 2010 could be just another average year in a nutshell, but for me, this year has taught me not to easily give up on my own belief, even when it means having to undergo all those fears and tears.
Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength (source)

Good laugh. Great song.

Ethan Tremblay: [Talking to a can containing his dad's ashes] "Dad...You were like a father to me."

"Variations on the Word Sleep"

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.


have faith.

Have you ever come across the term "the end"? In the movie, or maybe in your daily life's conversations? Well I think the term "the end" is somewhat overrated. Sometimes we think that when two people say goodbye to each other, it really is the end and they will never, in the future, cross each other's path again. It is kinda sad, isn't it, to live your life knowing (or rather forcing yourself to believe) that you are never to see the friend you used to share everything with? It's silly, actually. But that's how life works, right? We are given the privilege to choose and sometimes we make the right choices, sometimes we make the wrong ones, but then again, we don't know what is right and what is wrong until we really did it, or in this case, we don't quite know whether it's really the end or merely a long pause before we realize that we've never left in the first place.
"....But know this; the ones that love us never really leave us. And you can always find them in here [puts his hand to Harry's heart] ." 
Sirius Black in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
photo source



In the end, the differences that bonded us are the ones breaking us apart.

life as we know it.

When about to do things in life, we tend to search for the perfect reasoning behind, weigh the chances up and hope things go according to our initial plans. But life's a little unpredictable most of the time, as we continue living our life as normal as it could be, things begin to change, and rationally, as we realize, we would stop to analyse and most of the times, to be surprised of how things don't go according to our plans. It may sometimes confuse or even break our hearts, as in realizing how life can easily betray us. But what I'd like to believe in is that change is inevitable and it doesn't always go in our favor. My mom always says something like "People can make a plan, but only heaven knows what is certain" whenever things go wrong, and it kinda hits me now that she is right in every way. 
Some people could be the reason behind us doing something, it could be in the form of a promise for example; and what is heartbreaking here is that sometimes, people that we promised to won't necessarily be there to see it happen.
We do things in hopes of changing something in life. Change for the better, they said. But once in a while, we end up being the ones that are changed the most.

photo taken from here


Quote for Thought.

My whole life I’ve hated going to bed. I like falling asleep instead. Falling asleep is so much better than going to bed because you don’t get tangled up in the logistics. Falling asleep happens for you, even if it means waking up at eight to the sun assaulting your eyes while a block of metal videos are playing on VH1 Classic. Then all you have to do is scamper over to your bed where you can capitalize on how fresh the memory of how to sleep is and instantly dip back into slumber. Going to bed invites performance anxiety. Going to bed means you have to confront a final moment of consciousness. I’m not a fan. I hope you all fall asleep well tonight.
Indeed, johnmayer.

Once again

photo source
In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happenend to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.


If you could see me now.

I am happy. Not content yet but happy. And honestly, it's everything that I have wished for.
If you could see me now, 
I bet deep down inside, you would be smiling because I'm stronger, and you've always wanted me to be a strong independent girl. 
I know there's still a "you" element in almost every post here but I promise that one day, if I'm lucky enough, I am going to forget most of the things about you -the things that still hurt. But until then, you will always be a part of me and I can do nothing about it, except to silently wish that wherever you are now, you are happy, too :)


another way of looking at things.


Me: (looking at a friend who's just got warned by the disciplinary teacher for his weird piercings) "Why would he do that? Piercing all over his body, I mean. He obviously doesn't love his own body."
Her: "I think he loves his body too much, he wants to make them look good."

It was a long time ago, but this conversation just randomly popped into my head. A conversation I had with one of my best friends that believe it or not, made me think hard. Maybe she's right, sometimes love makes us do crazy things that perhaps nobody around us could understand, and most of the times people will even let us down by putting negative judgement on us. Not that we care, but I think our society is screwed up. We don't accept eccentricity and as far as the reality is concerned, our idea of perfection is clouded by materialism and well, people's opinion. The truth is however, the idea of perfection is relative. For some people, perfection means having the power to control people, being a leader for example. For some, spending days with their love ones could be their idea of perfection. Some people would also believe that happiness or perfection would come when they achieve or possess certain things, which most of the times, are materialistic things. I used to be one of them you know, the one who would say "I will be happy when I have him by my side". But I was wrong for I didn't look at the bigger picture. Actually, it's up to us to see perfection in any ways, but what's important here is to be thankful for whatever we have and what is given to us, not only because some people in this world would literally kill to have what we do have, but it is also important to know how weak the concept of forever is and to come into realization that one day, when we have finally achieved all of those things we wanted so badly to have and just started to celebrate and to actually appreciate, things will change and ready or not, all of this will be taken away. So, appreciate what you have now and don't forget to enjoy the process of finding your own perfection.



Dear you,

It's funny how certain small things can change your impression towards some things, some bigger things in life. I grew up in this place I'd always describe as the heaven of foods. Well, basically that would be my first sentence if anyone has ever asked me what Medan is like. And normally, such conversation would end with "Yeah, the foods are awesome, come visit me sometime and I'd be your tour guide." Truth is, I always find myself wondering what other things I can tell more about this lovely city. That would be ummm... none?

Don't get me wrong.  I was talking about how this city has left different impressions on each of us, and trying to define it to somebody else kinda ruin the whole meaning. Let alone the fact that it is hard to define in the first place.

In my first years of living away from home, I had always dreamed of going back there. I had always thought that I belong there, in that city. I was not sure why, but somehow being away from home and looking at my friends' life back in my hometown made me say to myself, "I'm going back there for good someday." (It's funny, because most of the people I know staying there would prefer living somewhere else). Of course it's not just the food (even though I would love waking up to the smell of my mom's cooking) that led me to being homesick; it's something bigger and maybe, better. It could be my best friends, the soul-mates I am lucky to have found. Or it could be my family, even when we don't express our feelings easily. It could be the broken and bumpy roads and the old trees standing tall and strong. It could be you, even with all your egos and perplexity. Or it could be the combination of all. Something I have always been dreaming of. You and me, getting along with my family and best friends. 

This post was actually paused for few minutes as my mind was rambling through the past, when everything was fine, but it had to stop, so yeah, where was I? The combination of all, right. Well, that's what I mean when I said "it's funny how certain small things can change your impression towards some things, some bigger things in life". I mean, I have lived a decent 18 years of my life there and the most memory I could recall about this city mainly has you in it? 

Now, the mere thought of going back even only for vacation scares me. The city now sounds bitter to me, and finally, the idea of staying longer in this new city crawls its way into my heart and somehow, it sounds better because going back there could trigger those bittersweet memories that I have been trying so hard to forget in the past few months.

Still, the city will always be a sweet dream to me. I just love how easily I could fall asleep in my own bed, how easy it was, not having to worry about the amount of money left in my bank account, and how perfect it was, having good times with family, friends and well, you. 
But again, it's only a dream and I should wake up.

The girl who tried.


Talking to the moon.

I don't know.. Maybe I don't really love you.. Maybe the thought of being replaced simply scares the hell out of me. They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Is that true? 
Take one example: Heartbreak. Yeah there's a high chance you may survive but does it make you any stronger? Not necessarily. At some points it may, but for me, heartbreak is the worst pain one could ever suffer. It's not always shown openly but for those who has had their heart broken, the pain might last long enough to stop them from opening themselves to others. Personally, a heartbreak has left me full of guilt. There was a time when I found myself pondering about what have I done wrong, and how big those mistakes are that I deserve to be left alone. The questions went on and on and on in my head (they still do, by the way) and yeah, they are all left unanswered. Sometimes I'd like to make up the answers on my own, you know, the ones like: "Nah, he just doesn't love you anymore. Well, maybe he never did."  or "Maybe he's just scared, insecure and doesn't know what to do." But my favorite version has always been: "Who cares why! The past is the past. Let it be."
Now, the big question is, can we?
Life is not fair, I know that, but even if we have moved on with our life and probably met somebody new, is it really possible to completely forget? Hello, the sentence"I'm leaving you" is the other way of saying "You are not good enough", and if you are told that you are not good enough, or you don't deserve that someone, do you think you can simply reply "Well, screw you", walk away with a smile and wake up with a new heart the next day? 
I don't know...
But for now, "What doesn't kill you makes you wish it did" sounds more rational to me.

photo source


forever and ever.

I blew out a kiss, whispered your name
It flew to the sky, across the oceans and unknown lands,
Sometimes it couldn't help but get carried away by the wind,
But with the help of the birds, it’s now on its way..
So if one day you find yourself thinking of me,
I guess my kiss has finally reached you.


'cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even.

Extracted from a book by Raditya Dika; "Marmut Merah Jambu", page 15.

Pada akhirnya, orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam hanya bisa mendoakan, setelah capek berharap, pengharapan yang ada dari dulu, yang tumbuh dari mulai kecil sekali, hingga makin lama makin besar, lalu semakin lama semakin jauh. Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam pada akhirnya menerima. Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam paham bahwa kenyataan terkadang berbeda dengan apa yang kita inginkan. Terkadang yang kita inginkan bisa jadi yang tidak sesungguhnya kita butuhkan. Dan sebenarnya, yang kita butuhkan hanyalah merelakan. Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam hanya bisa, seperti yang mereka selalu lakukan, jatuh cinta sendirian.

thank you.

No I'm not dwelling on the past. I'm just..

Him: Things would be different you know, if you had chosen to stay here. Our story would be different. 
Me: I know, I know...



The Bus Passenger.

The passengers on the bus watched sympathetically as the attractive young woman with the white cane made her way carefully up the steps. She paid the driver and, using her hands to feel the location of the seats, walked down the aisle and found the seat he'd told her was empty. Then she settled in, placed her briefcase on her lap and rested her cane against her leg.

It had been a year since Susan, thirty-four, became blind. Due to a medical misdiagnosis she had been rendered sightless, and she was suddenly thrown into a world of darkness, anger, frustration and self-pity. Once a fiercely independent woman, Susan now felt condemned by this terrible twist of fate to become a powerless, helpless burden on everyone around her. "How could this have happened to me?" she would plead, her heart knotted with anger. 

But no matter how much she cried or ranted or prayed, she knew the painful truth her sight was never going to return. A cloud of depression hung over Susan's once optimistic spirit. Just getting through each day was an exercise in frustration and exhaustion. And all she had to cling to was her husband Mark.

Mark was an Air Force officer and he loved Susan with all of his heart. When she first lost her sight, he watched her sink into despair and was determined to help his wife gain the strength and confidence she needed to become independent again. Mark's military background had trained him well to deal with sensitive situations, and yet he knew this was the most difficult battle he would ever face. 

Finally, Susan felt ready to return to her job, but how would she get there? She used to take the bus, but was now too frightened to get around the city by herself. Mark volunteered to drive her to work each day, even though they worked at opposite ends of the city. 

At first, this comforted Susan and fulfilled Mark's need to protect his sightless wife who was so insecure about performing the slightest task. Soon, however, Mark realized that this arrangement wasn't working - it was hectic, and costly. Susan is going to have to start taking the bus again, he admitted to himself. But just the thought of mentioning it to her made him cringe. She was still so fragile, so angry. How would she react?

Just as Mark predicted, Susan was horrified at the idea of taking the bus again. "I'm blind!" she responded bitterly. "How am I supposed to know where I'm going? I feel like you're abandoning me." 

Mark's heart broke to hear these words, but he knew what had to be done. He promised Susan that each morning and evening he would ride the bus with her, for as long as it took, until she got the hang of it. And that is exactly what happened. 

For two solid weeks, Mark, military uniform and all, accompanied Susan to and from work each day. He taught her how to rely on her other senses, specifically her hearing, to determine where she was and how to adapt to her new environment. He helped her befriend the bus drivers who could watch out for her, and save her a seat. He made her laugh, even on those not-so-good days when she would trip exiting the bus, or drop her briefcase. 

Each morning they made the journey together, and Mark would take a cab back to his office. Although this routine was even more costly and exhausting than the previous one, Mark knew it was only a matter of time before Susan would be able to ride the bus on her own. He believed in her, in the Susan he used to know before she'd lost her sight, who wasn't afraid of any challenge and who would never, ever quit. 

Finally, Susan decided that she was ready to try the trip on her own. Monday morning arrived, and before she left, she threw her arms around Mark, her temporary bus riding companion, her husband, and her best friend.

Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude for his loyalty, his patience, his love. She said good-bye, and for the first time, they went their separate ways. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... Each day on her own went perfectly, and Susan had never felt better. She was doing it! She was going to work all by herself! 

On Friday morning, Susan took the bus to work as usual. As she was paying for her fare to exit the bus, the driver said, "Boy, I sure envy you." Susan wasn't sure if the driver was speaking to her or not. After all, who on earth would ever envy a blind woman who had struggled just to find the courage to live for the past year? 

Curious, she asked the driver, "Why do you say that you envy me?" The driver responded, "It must feel so good to be taken care of and protected like you are." Susan had no idea what the driver was talking about, and asked again, "What do you mean?" 

The driver answered, "You know, every morning for the past week, a fine looking gentleman in a military uniform has been standing across the corner watching you when you get off the bus. He makes sure you cross the street safely and he watches you until you enter your office building. Then he blows you a kiss, gives you a little salute and walks away. You are one lucky lady." 

Tears of happiness poured down Susan's cheeks. For although she couldn't physically see him, she had always felt Mark's presence. She was lucky, so lucky, for he had given her a gift more powerful than sight, a gift she didn't need to see to believe - the gift of love that can bring light where there had been darkness.


"An insatiable urge to write"

Writing -and blogging, in particular- plays an essential role in my life since 3 years ago, so essential that sometimes I would sit in front of my laptop for-ever just to try coming out with some words and yeah, mostly to be disappointed by the fact that not a word came out. I would sometimes stare at the blank page, wanting so much to pour my heart out (well you see, the urge to write is there) but still, nothing came out. 
Back then when I first started blogging, I used writing as my way to train myself. It gives me chance to brainstorm and my -then-dream was to be a part of this whole blogging community, and to be a writer one day maybe? I would usually write about my daily life and sometimes I would write about people who inspires me. I'm not the kind of "blogger" who post on daily basis because sometimes I would pass my day without anything extraordinary. There was also some points in my life when I "abandoned" my blog because there really was nothing to blog about. Long story short, I took writing for granted.
It was during the lowest point in my life that I realize the importance of writing. 
When I could not sleep because millions of thoughts about a thing came into my mind, I would reach for my laptop, log in to my blog, and start writing. So I guess you would understand now how important this blogging thing is to me, wouldn't you? 
Blogging for me is like a sanctuary. It's the place I would visit when I'm searching for my own emotional peace. Sounds religious, I know. But it really is. Sometimes, I would trace back my previous posts to learn how my life slowly changes. For now, blogging means more to me like an escape door. Not to literally escape the real world, but it gives me chance to sit and look at my life differently.
Even though I don't visit my blog often, I am glad that I always find my way back to it.


Sweet Disposition

Never too soon
Oh, reckless abandon
Like no one's watching you
A moment
A love
A dream
A laugh
A kiss
A cry
Our rights
Our wrongs
A moment a love
A dream
A laugh
A moment a love
A dream
A laugh


nothing to lose.

What do we do after running away from people we love and realizing that they don't chase us back? We continue running -even when we couldn't really see the road for our sight are blurred with tears. We continue running, and hoping, that those people at the end of the road are willing to catch us. 
I guess leaving your "dream" behind has its price. You will either spend the rest of your life wondering "what if you've stayed", or better, you will thank yourself for being brave enough to let go of the people who hurt you and perhaps, if you are lucky enough, you will find your happily ever after. 
Again, we will never know, whether the next people we meet will hurt us or please us, but it's not the point, is it? I've learned that second thoughts are good but sometimes doing something spontaneously and whole-heartedly is far better than wasting your time being pessimistic, wondering when will people stop being good to you and finally show off their flaws and well, hurt you. 
Truth is, everyone's going to hurt you at some point. And what do we do? We search for those people who are worth the pain.


Meredith Grey

Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.


shiny happy people

Let's be completely changed. Let's forget all the things that hurt, leave all the past behind, be the shiny happy people you've always wanted to be, and let's forgive. Forgive the ones that hurt you, forgive the fake hopes  people made you believe in, forgive them for being wrong, for telling the truth, and for showing how they really feel. Most importantly, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for expecting to much, for trying everything to be happy, for your efforts that didn't work out, for the what ifs, and for being yourself.
Take all the time you need to heal and when the time comes, rumor has it that it won't hurt as much anymore.