after a while

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t always promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers and you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every good-bye you learn."
- After a while by Veronica A. Shoffstall
ps. I'll be in Medan for a week starting this Saturday. I'll probably spend my days ordering caramel macchiato(s) and doing assignments so If you, by any chance, see me, reading holding a huge pile of journals and articles with a f*cked up face, please do say hi :)  


earliest human memory

I received this question quite a while ago from tumblr but I kinda ignored it as I couldn't really recall what my earliest human memory was. Well, couple of snapshots came into my mind but I think my earliest human memory was that when I was a little, I used to fall asleep in my parent's bed while watching TV. I remember I used to fall asleep holding my mom's hand near my face because she used to apply something that smells like a tea tree oil on her palm, which I find very soothing. And when it's time for them to sleep, my dad, instead of waking me up, would always carry me to my own room and tuck me in bed. They said things you remember the most are things that is close to your heart, and my dad, he was not the kind of person that always finds time to tuck his children in bed, said I love you and kiss them good night so as a kid, the kind of affection I would look forward to was knowing that he voluntarily carries me into my bedroom almost every night. and that's all I can really recall. 



"Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there’s a tomorrow. Maybe for you there’s one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there’s only today. And the truth is, you never really know."
-Lauren Oliver


free fallin'

Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, 
as if life should be easy.
-excerpted from 'The Road Less Traveled'-



pretty much says it all

Sorry readers, there'll be a slightly long hiatus in this blog as I need to converge my so-called "writing skills" to a more complex mind-numbing form like assignments. So, unless you want to read posts filled with financial reporting terms and "profound sounding statements" with the help of thesaurus, please be patient :)


you've got mail

Dear you,
This post is dedicated to you. 
First off, I would like to thank you, for everything. The good, the bad and the joy I felt in-between. It was such an adventurous ride, I should admit, the journey of you and I. I don't dare to use "our" journey here because you see, I'm not quite sure of whether we were heading to the same direction in the first place. Well, I don't blame you, of course, for the things that happened between us and I personally don't want to point my finger at you because I should be the one to blame, too. So if anything, it is the unsupportive situation that we should be blaming. 
Secondly, I would also like to thank you for the past few years, mainly for your companionship and willingness to put up with all my grumbles, my persuasive requests on where to have our dinner, my fluctuating mood, my introversion, and basically all my crap. 
With the opportunity given, I would also like to apologize for telling my friends mostly (and perhaps only) about the negative side of our story. This is in case some of them are questioning your worthiness of my time, effort and well, love. So I hereby profess that you were, after all is said and done, definitely worth it. In fact, this whole blog would not exist if somehow you had not decided to enter my life. 
Thirdly and most importantly: Congratulations, we've made it. We've told a totally different side of this so-called love story where in the perfect world, everyone has their happily ever after. You and I have somehow shown them that love isn't all about sweet talks, those candy-colored gifts and fairy tales. It's about making choices. We could be the example of how love could go wrong when it feels so right (at least to me), or perhaps the infamous failure case everyone we know would talk about. But then again, I would never want the story to go the other way because it wouldn't be real, would it?
I learned that happiness does not come from a smooth ride and most of the time, it doesn't always offer you a breathtaking view. Indeed, the journey would has its ups and downs, wrong turns, and dangerous gorges in-between. But I should also not forget to tell you that along the way, I am thankful for the smiles, giggles, even the laughter from just the thought of our inside jokes, and of course, of the countless silly fights between us. 
This post is important to me because it made me realize that I've always equalized being content with all those good things and memories that make me happy while in fact, bad memories play a significant role as well; and somehow we must keep them in balance because too much happiness is not good, too. 
I know that forgetting you is not a good solution to my problem, but that doesn't mean I  should force myself to always remember you. No, there'll be no essence of pressure nor will there any longer be expectations in my mind. So, I would remember you when I remember you and I would forget about you when I forget about you. 
At the end of the day, it comes down to one thing: If we are meant to be, we will eventually be; if we are not, well, thanks for sharing the past few years of your life with me.


a zero-sum game

The portfolio theory in investment world talks about investors' attempt at reducing the risk (and if possible, generating higher return) by actually investing in more than one stock at a time. Two or more stocks that are perfectly positively correlated indicate that the expected return of those stocks will move in the same direction at all times. If let's say, the share price of stock A increases, the other (B) would also increase and vice versa. 
On the other hand, a portfolio of perfectly negatively correlated stocks means that the expected return moves in the opposite direction at all times. A risk-averse (and perhaps a rational) investor will tend to form a portfolio of perfectly negatively correlated stocks as an attempt to diversify the risk because in the portfolio of negatively correlated stocks, gain from the increase in share price of stock A would offset the loss from the decrease of share price in stock B. A zero-sum game.
If you and I were stocks in a portfolio, we would probably be the perfectly negatively correlated stocks. We would walk in exactly opposite paths. You would be the rugged and obstinate individual while I'd be the soft and go-with-the-flow kind of person. You'd prefer reading those thriller and mind-bending books while I'd drool over those cheesy hopeless romantic novels. You were strong at Physics while I'd be thrilled by the fact that I barely pass the subject. I would be the exact opposite of where you are and you would too. Thus by not being together, we would benefit our investors, the people other than two of us. Sounds tragic, but that's okay with me so long as we are still somehow connected; because negatively correlated stocks are still correlated, right?


h e a r t b r e a k

Of course it hurts. It's probably the meanest pain a person could ever bring about. It's like you've granted him/ her a gift, the most precious thing you can ever give to a person; you give him your trust and your heart, and one fine day, he come and tell you he's changed, he no longer feels the same way to you as he did before, he found a better a person, he thinks you are a burden has to focus on other things, he needs a space to think, he can't choose between you and [insert your competitors here] but he chose them anyway, he loves you but he's just not available now, or that you two are simply not meant to be together, so why bother trying?
It hurts, right? Of course you would think you deserve a compensation, or even a reward for doing something so generous like setting him free while all you wanted was to keep him by your side forever. But no, nothing happened, and perhaps nothing ever will.  The world don't stop to console you, heck there's even no space for you to take a breath, -not even a single consoling pat on your shoulder. What's worse, you are expected to survive and 'cure' yourself. They would say: "It's just a heartbreak, you'll get over it", but they don't tell you how long it will take, do they? 
Yeah it hurts, it feels like the end of the your world, and you'd probably think you should be titled a hero for putting up with a feeling so painful that your fragile and already cracked heart could shatter anytime soon. But think again.The world's cruel. Look at the bigger picture, everyone at some point has had it before. What then makes you the exception?