Too much information

I think and I think and I think. I analyze all the possibilities and consequences. For one minute I can be very optimistic and full of hope, but the next minutes are about worst case scenarios and bam, I'm back to being vulnerable once again. This thing we called thinking, the one we can't really help but to go with it, sometimes makes me wonder..will it make any difference? Sometimes I think to myself, what's the point in holding on when the rest of the world is moving forward. Sometimes I wonder about the possibility that something better came and I missed it. Sometimes I would tell my brain to stop. Just stop and don't think of anything, anything about him. Most of the time I lose for he is everywhere, -even in my dreams.
And the fact that all of these thoughts came to me like a flood of sandy and pungent -but somehow addictive-feelings which makes me travel back and forth between what I know for sure and what I hope to be true, is just too much. You are like a cup of warm coffee to my lethargic morning, a cold lemonade to my dehydrated throat. I want you. You don't want me to want you. See the point now?
I. can't. get. enough. of. you.


Heartbreak 101

I hold on too tightly. For quite sometime now, I have this idea that there will come a day when good things fall into right places. I let go of the things I love only to realize that without them, I'm nothing. And I don't want to be nothing.
Is it possible for someone to move on without letting go?

People, they make mistakes.

A: "Hey, what's with your display pictures lately?"
B: "eh? Nothing. Why?"
A: "Just wondering because most of them are sad, heart wrenching stuffs. 
     You know you can always tell me anything right?"
B: "Yeah, but nothing really. It's just that I'm heartless now.. Hahahaha"
A: "Are you really laughing or you pretend you are laughing? I'm good at that too, you know."
B: "I'm pretending I pretend laughing"
A: "Right. Hahah"

Did it ever occur to you that those who are the hardest to love, the ones who you think least deserve any chance to be loved just because they screw things up too many times, might be the ones who need it the most?
I'd like to believe in that, you know.

"She loves him more than he will ever know. He loves her more than he will ever show"


I build up walls just to see them collide.

I believe there's always a soundtrack for every occasion we are in, be it important occasions like the school prom, a song played during a long drive to the beach, or the ringtones playing in the middle of a tensed conversation. And somehow, when that song is randomly played somewhere, the memory emerges, so real that it feels like you are given a chance to live in that moment again. It could be any sound, any jingle, or any songs playing on the car radio. As for me, Taylor Swift's Stay Beautiful will always remind me of my hometown, me driving pass the line of big old trees near the heart of the busy town. And Michael Buble's Everything (oh I love that song) will always remind me of me and him in the car, on our way to spend our last valentine's day together. Things like this, the beautiful song and memories that it brings along, are the things that I will treasure and cherish for the rest of my days.

He sees everything in black and white

Look at me.
Look at you in that mirror.
What an unattractive person, you may say to yourself.
But for now, take your mask off and tear it apart.
No, they won't judge you. At least not today.
You don't have to smile, we both know it's artificial.
Now hold on to that feeling. Hold it tight.
Don't ever let go because if you do, you'll have nothing left.

"And when you find everything you looked for,
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if you don't, stay beautiful."

Living in denial

What happened to you? where did you go? Why didn't you stay? When did it start? Did someone knock you down? Why did you lose faith in yourself? in me? in us? Did someone tell you something bad? something you didn't want to hear? something that changed your perception forever, for the way I see it, you've changed. Someone, at sometime must have done or said something that made you throw  everything away as if you realize for the first time, your whole idea of the universe doesn't make sense. And so you wanna quit, give everything up, turn your back and promise yourself never to look back again.
Or perhaps everything that happens is nothing but a process of growing up, or merely life's little mysteries? But whatever it is, let me tell you something. You may deny it, you may pretend you didn't read this and wear your optimistic attitude, but sometimes, when nobody's around and you are left with tears that keep flowing down simply because you are sick and tired of loneliness, you will think of those days, moments, or dreams which obviously have now become nothing but memories kept safe at the back of your mind, you will wonder why on earth everything is getting more and more complicated. And for the first time in your life, you actually wish you wasn't born.
or is it just me?


With your voice echoing in my mind, I could die happy.

That's the thing about time, you see. It waits for no one. No matter how many time you wish to turn back the time or to merely freeze it for a moment, it doesn't. They say it's time to let go, it's time to leave the past behind, it's time to move on, and so you have to try, because really, what else can we do?


what a messy world we live in

Somewhere between all my chaotic-not to mention mind-numbing-schedule and tumblr, I found myself constantly losing a part of me piece by piece. A part that I don't want to give up, but I did anyway. A part I called my private space, where I can freely transform all my thoughts into words and my amateur photos (now that I don't own a facebook account).That's when blogger came into my mind. And I thought,man I miss blogging!
So here it is, my first post. Well, I can't guarantee you a sh*t load of posts coming up though, given that (hate to admit this) tumblr made me lose my appetite for writing because really, it is easier to reblog people's thought (that amazingly fit yours at that point of time) rather than 'troubling' your mind into writing down one. Well truth is -with my limited English vocabulary and all- I just don't like the idea of my own post "appearing" at random people's dashboard, the one who initially doesn't want to read my post. Also, please bear in mind (especially for those who have been following my love life stories) that I will inevitably blog out desperate, gloomy, twisted posts, pictures and whatnot :)

Ps. Don't forget to constantly visit my tumblr though.