Take a deep breath and walk away.

This post is dedicated to the ones that's left.
I am now letting all of you go.., not only physically, but I, with all my common sense and no intention of declaring a war or whatnot, have decided to let go. I'd like to genuinely thank you, though, for helping me realize that nothing lasts forever and that whatever happens is whatever it is. I've also learned that there is no use dwelling on the past nor there is any use of living in it. I've realized that letting go is also a part of showing someone you love them and that you want them to be happy because feelings fade and we can do nothing except accepting it as it is. I don't know how long this "process" will last but I believe time heals all the wounds and eventually, everything will fall into the right place. Thus, I will continue living the present and you will, too. I will smile again and you will, too. At last, I will try loving again and you will, too. 
"Thanks for the roller coaster ride. I hope you have a smooth one out there."
The one you leave behind.


sorry for the gloomy and twisted post.

Don't wanna be hurt that way..
It was hard to see pass all those beautiful lies, hopeless hope, sky-high expectations and fake smiles I thought was real. And trust me, it was harder to admit that those things are unreal. Truth is, I'm afraid to say it out loud. I realized I have been living in my own fantasy for quite sometime. I have been feeding myself those pretty memories, and even though it made me smile, I knew it wouldn't last long. And so I quit. 

I realized that you never really came back for you've made your decision the day you told me it's over, 2 years ago. And what's worse, you are still making the same decision every single day. And so I force myself to wake up from this beautiful dream.

I don't hate you for that, really. People change and feelings fade. But now that I'm awake and empty, what do I do next?


True colors.

Life is not fair. Sometimes you do something good for people and you wish people would do something for you in return but they don't, sometimes you try your best at something and receive no rewards in return and most of the times, all you could do is fake a smile and pretend nothing's wrong because there really isn't. Every now and then, you can only seal those feelings in a box under your bed because really, there's no point in bringing them up for the responses might hurt you even more. Eventually, it will be easier that way because you are sick and tired of pleasing other people and you kinda created a defense mechanism for yourself. "Some things are better left unsaid" you would say. And once in a while, you can only wish someone is caring enough to peep in that box and offer you a hug you never thought you needed. 

"I'm not going to spend my life chasing people. You want to leave? Fine. Go ahead. Because I'm done chasing and caring for people who never had interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I've learned love is hard and life isn't always what you want it to be." source



Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say...
I like your voice. I like the sound of you laughing and making strange noises (you know, the one you called singing). I even like your pissed off voice when you were cursing those other drivers on the road. In fact I love you for that. For being real, I mean. You have been preoccupying my mind for quite sometime now. I am too afraid to admit this to you for my fear of rejection, but I guess you won't read this so yeah, It's still you.
I am metaphorically standing on the line between holding on and giving you up. That's the thing, you see.. I'm too scared to bring this topic up whenever I'm talking to you, but it's true that..I want to know how you feel about me. Is it love? or It's just some petty crush?
When I think of you, I think of beautiful flowers, colorful balloons flying up in the sky, pretty cakes, confetti, fireworks, concerts, and weddings. 
I was secretly paying attention at your expressions, whenever you were telling me stories while driving -and even when you were reading your favorite serial comics in the bookstore. You might not realize this but when I tell jokes and you laugh, my heart smiles. You might not realize this, too.. but when I see you smile and I know I'm not the reason behind it, I die a little inside.
So that's it, my confession. The thing I need to say to you but haven't had guts to.
....You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again.


Well said.

"Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day"

It feels like just yesterday, when my routine could be stated precisely as: waking up early, getting myself stuck in a long line of cars waiting to enter the highway, facing (an imaginably huge) pile of tasks to be done with only a cup of coffee to entertain, and having to repeat the same thing over and over again for almost 2 months. 
That was perhaps couple of months ago, when I was too foolish to work as intern in an e-commerce company here in KL. Anyway, it doesn't end up good and I've moved on, I hope my-then-boss-now-stranger have, too (hihi).
So yeah, it feels like just yesterday, when me and my friend celebrated what I'd like to call: quitting that crappy job by purchasing our tickets home....and It,too feels like just yesterday when I found myself sleeping in my own bed, chit-chatting with grandma, gossiping with friends, and -thank god- seeing a friend smile with my very own eyes, again. 
I remember that time when I was out having dinner with a friend and I couldn't help but taking mental pictures of him. It was as though I'm trying to collect as many moments in this little box inside my brain so that when I leave, I bring with me pieces of him. I swear the thought of that made me smile and yeah, I completely forgot the idea of me letting him go. He is a part of me, and even though there's a high chance of me getting hurt, I'd like to keep it that way. I found out that life is too short to be unhappy.

And life felt good.

Until time interrupted and sadly I have to come back here and create a new routine filled with lecture notes, cups and cups of coffee, catching buses, assignments, and finals. *sigh*. Some of my friends jokingly asked me to cancel my plane and stay for couple of days more, and although I wanted so badly to, I thought to myself: What differences a couple of days can make? I will sooner or later leave this hometown. Sometimes I'd like to think I have an unfinished affair with this city, so life must go on, right? 

This is my final year and I do hope I'll be back in my hometown for good next year.


meet my daily escape

Chasing Rainbows

It's fast, it's scary and it's probably as fragile as that heart of yours.
It's messy, cynical, and chaotic at its best.
But hold on tight,love
Riding on the roller coaster of life has never been easy. 
It's never meant to be, anyway.