memories.

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In the end, the differences that bonded us are the ones breaking us apart.

life as we know it.

When about to do things in life, we tend to search for the perfect reasoning behind, weigh the chances up and hope things go according to our initial plans. But life's a little unpredictable most of the time, as we continue living our life as normal as it could be, things begin to change, and rationally, as we realize, we would stop to analyse and most of the times, to be surprised of how things don't go according to our plans. It may sometimes confuse or even break our hearts, as in realizing how life can easily betray us. But what I'd like to believe in is that change is inevitable and it doesn't always go in our favor. My mom always says something like "People can make a plan, but only heaven knows what is certain" whenever things go wrong, and it kinda hits me now that she is right in every way. 

Some people could be the reason behind us doing something, it could be in the form of a promise for example; and what is heartbreaking here is that sometimes, people that we promised to won't necessarily be there to see it happen.

We do things in hopes of changing something in life. Change for the better, they said. But once in a while, we end up being the ones that are changed the most.

photo taken from here

Quote for Thought.

My whole life I’ve hated going to bed. I like falling asleep instead. Falling asleep is so much better than going to bed because you don’t get tangled up in the logistics. Falling asleep happens for you, even if it means waking up at eight to the sun assaulting your eyes while a block of metal videos are playing on VH1 Classic. Then all you have to do is scamper over to your bed where you can capitalize on how fresh the memory of how to sleep is and instantly dip back into slumber. Going to bed invites performance anxiety. Going to bed means you have to confront a final moment of consciousness. I’m not a fan. I hope you all fall asleep well tonight.
Indeed, johnmayer.

Once again

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In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happenend to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.
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If you could see me now.

I am happy. Not content yet but happy. And honestly, it's everything that I have wished for.
If you could see me now, 
I bet deep down inside, you would be smiling because I'm stronger, and you've always wanted me to be a strong independent girl. 
I know there's still a "you" element in almost every post here but I promise that one day, if I'm lucky enough, I am going to forget most of the things about you -the things that still hurt. But until then, you will always be a part of me and I can do nothing about it, except to silently wish that wherever you are now, you are happy, too :)

another way of looking at things.

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Me: (looking at a friend who's just got warned by the disciplinary teacher for his weird piercings) "Why would he do that? Piercing all over his body, I mean. He obviously doesn't love his own body."
Her: "I think he loves his body too much, he wants to make them look good."

It was a long time ago, but this conversation just randomly popped into my head. A conversation I had with one of my best friends that believe it or not, made me think hard. Maybe she's right, sometimes love makes us do crazy things that perhaps nobody around us could understand, and most of the times people will even let us down by putting negative judgement on us. Not that we care, but I think our society is screwed up. We don't accept eccentricity and as far as the reality is concerned, our idea of perfection is clouded by materialism and well, people's opinion. The truth is however, the idea of perfection is relative. For some people, perfection means having the power to control people, being a leader for example. For some, spending days with their love ones could be their idea of perfection. Some people would also believe that happiness or perfection would come when they achieve or possess certain things, which most of the times, are materialistic things. I used to be one of them you know, the one who would say "I will be happy when I have him by my side". But I was wrong for I didn't look at the bigger picture. Actually, it's up to us to see perfection in any ways, but what's important here is to be thankful for whatever we have and what is given to us, not only because some people in this world would literally kill to have what we do have, but it is also important to know how weak the concept of forever is and to come into realization that one day, when we have finally achieved all of those things we wanted so badly to have and just started to celebrate and to actually appreciate, things will change and ready or not, all of this will be taken away. So, appreciate what you have now and don't forget to enjoy the process of finding your own perfection.

ohh Squidward, I know exactly how you feel.

taken from here

11.11

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Dear you,

It's funny how certain small things can change your impression towards some things, some bigger things in life. I grew up in this place I'd always describe as the heaven of foods. Well, basically that would be my first sentence if anyone has ever asked me what Medan is like. And normally, such conversation would end with "Yeah, the foods are awesome, come visit me sometime and I'd be your tour guide." Truth is, I always find myself wondering what other things I can tell more about this lovely city. That would be ummm... none?


Don't get me wrong.  I was talking about how this city has left different impressions on each of us, and trying to define it to somebody else kinda ruin the whole meaning. Let alone the fact that it is hard to define in the first place.


In my first years of living away from home, I had always dreamed of going back there. I had always thought that I belong there, in that city. I was not sure why, but somehow being away from home and looking at my friends' life back in my hometown made me say to myself, "I'm going back there for good someday." (It's funny, because most of the people I know staying there would prefer living somewhere else). Of course it's not just the food (even though I would love waking up to the smell of my mom's cooking) that led me to being homesick; it's something bigger and maybe, better. It could be my best friends, the soul-mates I am lucky to have found. Or it could be my family, even when we don't express our feelings easily. It could be the broken and bumpy roads and the old trees standing tall and strong. It could be you, even with all your egos and perplexity. Or it could be the combination of all. Something I have always been dreaming of. You and me, getting along with my family and best friends. 


This post was actually paused for few minutes as my mind was rambling through the past, when everything was fine, but it had to stop, so yeah, where was I? The combination of all, right. Well, that's what I mean when I said "it's funny how certain small things can change your impression towards some things, some bigger things in life". I mean, I have lived a decent 18 years of my life there and the most memory I could recall about this city mainly has you in it? 


Now, the mere thought of going back even only for vacation scares me. The city now sounds bitter to me, and finally, the idea of staying longer in this new city crawls its way into my heart and somehow, it sounds better because going back there could trigger those bittersweet memories that I have been trying so hard to forget in the past few months.


Still, the city will always be a sweet dream to me. I just love how easily I could fall asleep in my own bed, how easy it was, not having to worry about the amount of money left in my bank account, and how perfect it was, having good times with family, friends and well, you. 
But again, it's only a dream and I should wake up.


Love,
The girl who tried.

Talking to the moon.

I don't know.. Maybe I don't really love you.. Maybe the thought of being replaced simply scares the hell out of me. They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Is that true? 
Take one example: Heartbreak. Yeah there's a high chance you may survive but does it make you any stronger? Not necessarily. At some points it may, but for me, heartbreak is the worst pain one could ever suffer. It's not always shown openly but for those who has had their heart broken, the pain might last long enough to stop them from opening themselves to others. Personally, a heartbreak has left me full of guilt. There was a time when I found myself pondering about what have I done wrong, and how big those mistakes are that I deserve to be left alone. The questions went on and on and on in my head (they still do, by the way) and yeah, they are all left unanswered. Sometimes I'd like to make up the answers on my own, you know, the ones like: "Nah, he just doesn't love you anymore. Well, maybe he never did."  or "Maybe he's just scared, insecure and doesn't know what to do." But my favorite version has always been: "Who cares why! The past is the past. Let it be."
Now, the big question is, can we?
Life is not fair, I know that, but even if we have moved on with our life and probably met somebody new, is it really possible to completely forget? Hello, the sentence"I'm leaving you" is the other way of saying "You are not good enough", and if you are told that you are not good enough, or you don't deserve that someone, do you think you can simply reply "Well, screw you", walk away with a smile and wake up with a new heart the next day? 
I don't know...
But for now, "What doesn't kill you makes you wish it did" sounds more rational to me.


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forever and ever.

I blew out a kiss, whispered your name

It flew to the sky, across the oceans and unknown lands,

Sometimes it couldn't help but get carried away by the wind,

But with the help of the birds, it’s now on its way..

So if one day you find yourself thinking of me,

I guess my kiss has finally reached you.

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'cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even.

Extracted from a book by Raditya Dika; "Marmut Merah Jambu", page 15.


Pada akhirnya, orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam hanya bisa mendoakan, setelah capek berharap, pengharapan yang ada dari dulu, yang tumbuh dari mulai kecil sekali, hingga makin lama makin besar, lalu semakin lama semakin jauh. Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam pada akhirnya menerima. Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam paham bahwa kenyataan terkadang berbeda dengan apa yang kita inginkan. Terkadang yang kita inginkan bisa jadi yang tidak sesungguhnya kita butuhkan. Dan sebenarnya, yang kita butuhkan hanyalah merelakan. Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam hanya bisa, seperti yang mereka selalu lakukan, jatuh cinta sendirian.

thank you.

No I'm not dwelling on the past. I'm just..

Him: Things would be different you know, if you had chosen to stay here. Our story would be different. 
Me: I know, I know...

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The Bus Passenger.

The passengers on the bus watched sympathetically as the attractive young woman with the white cane made her way carefully up the steps. She paid the driver and, using her hands to feel the location of the seats, walked down the aisle and found the seat he'd told her was empty. Then she settled in, placed her briefcase on her lap and rested her cane against her leg.

It had been a year since Susan, thirty-four, became blind. Due to a medical misdiagnosis she had been rendered sightless, and she was suddenly thrown into a world of darkness, anger, frustration and self-pity. Once a fiercely independent woman, Susan now felt condemned by this terrible twist of fate to become a powerless, helpless burden on everyone around her. "How could this have happened to me?" she would plead, her heart knotted with anger. 

But no matter how much she cried or ranted or prayed, she knew the painful truth her sight was never going to return. A cloud of depression hung over Susan's once optimistic spirit. Just getting through each day was an exercise in frustration and exhaustion. And all she had to cling to was her husband Mark.

Mark was an Air Force officer and he loved Susan with all of his heart. When she first lost her sight, he watched her sink into despair and was determined to help his wife gain the strength and confidence she needed to become independent again. Mark's military background had trained him well to deal with sensitive situations, and yet he knew this was the most difficult battle he would ever face. 

Finally, Susan felt ready to return to her job, but how would she get there? She used to take the bus, but was now too frightened to get around the city by herself. Mark volunteered to drive her to work each day, even though they worked at opposite ends of the city. 

At first, this comforted Susan and fulfilled Mark's need to protect his sightless wife who was so insecure about performing the slightest task. Soon, however, Mark realized that this arrangement wasn't working - it was hectic, and costly. Susan is going to have to start taking the bus again, he admitted to himself. But just the thought of mentioning it to her made him cringe. She was still so fragile, so angry. How would she react?

Just as Mark predicted, Susan was horrified at the idea of taking the bus again. "I'm blind!" she responded bitterly. "How am I supposed to know where I'm going? I feel like you're abandoning me." 

Mark's heart broke to hear these words, but he knew what had to be done. He promised Susan that each morning and evening he would ride the bus with her, for as long as it took, until she got the hang of it. And that is exactly what happened. 

For two solid weeks, Mark, military uniform and all, accompanied Susan to and from work each day. He taught her how to rely on her other senses, specifically her hearing, to determine where she was and how to adapt to her new environment. He helped her befriend the bus drivers who could watch out for her, and save her a seat. He made her laugh, even on those not-so-good days when she would trip exiting the bus, or drop her briefcase. 

Each morning they made the journey together, and Mark would take a cab back to his office. Although this routine was even more costly and exhausting than the previous one, Mark knew it was only a matter of time before Susan would be able to ride the bus on her own. He believed in her, in the Susan he used to know before she'd lost her sight, who wasn't afraid of any challenge and who would never, ever quit. 

Finally, Susan decided that she was ready to try the trip on her own. Monday morning arrived, and before she left, she threw her arms around Mark, her temporary bus riding companion, her husband, and her best friend.

Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude for his loyalty, his patience, his love. She said good-bye, and for the first time, they went their separate ways. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... Each day on her own went perfectly, and Susan had never felt better. She was doing it! She was going to work all by herself! 

On Friday morning, Susan took the bus to work as usual. As she was paying for her fare to exit the bus, the driver said, "Boy, I sure envy you." Susan wasn't sure if the driver was speaking to her or not. After all, who on earth would ever envy a blind woman who had struggled just to find the courage to live for the past year? 

Curious, she asked the driver, "Why do you say that you envy me?" The driver responded, "It must feel so good to be taken care of and protected like you are." Susan had no idea what the driver was talking about, and asked again, "What do you mean?" 

The driver answered, "You know, every morning for the past week, a fine looking gentleman in a military uniform has been standing across the corner watching you when you get off the bus. He makes sure you cross the street safely and he watches you until you enter your office building. Then he blows you a kiss, gives you a little salute and walks away. You are one lucky lady." 

Tears of happiness poured down Susan's cheeks. For although she couldn't physically see him, she had always felt Mark's presence. She was lucky, so lucky, for he had given her a gift more powerful than sight, a gift she didn't need to see to believe - the gift of love that can bring light where there had been darkness.
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"An insatiable urge to write"

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Writing -and blogging, in particular- plays an essential role in my life since 3 years ago, so essential that sometimes I would sit in front of my laptop for-ever just to try coming out with some words and yeah, mostly to be disappointed by the fact that not a word came out. I would sometimes stare at the blank page, wanting so much to pour my heart out (well you see, the urge to write is there) but still, nothing came out. 
Back then when I first started blogging, I used writing as my way to train myself. It gives me chance to brainstorm and my -then-dream was to be a part of this whole blogging community, and to be a writer one day maybe? I would usually write about my daily life and sometimes I would write about people who inspires me. I'm not the kind of "blogger" who post on daily basis because sometimes I would pass my day without anything extraordinary. There was also some points in my life when I "abandoned" my blog because there really was nothing to blog about. Long story short, I took writing for granted.
It was during the lowest point in my life that I realize the importance of writing. 
When I could not sleep because millions of thoughts about a thing came into my mind, I would reach for my laptop, log in to my blog, and start writing. So I guess you would understand now how important this blogging thing is to me, wouldn't you? 
Blogging for me is like a sanctuary. It's the place I would visit when I'm searching for my own emotional peace. Sounds religious, I know. But it really is. Sometimes, I would trace back my previous posts to learn how my life slowly changes. For now, blogging means more to me like an escape door. Not to literally escape the real world, but it gives me chance to sit and look at my life differently.
Even though I don't visit my blog often, I am glad that I always find my way back to it.

Sweet Disposition

Never too soon
Oh, reckless abandon
Like no one's watching you
A moment
A love
A dream
A laugh
A kiss
A cry
Our rights
Our wrongs
A moment a love
A dream
A laugh
A moment a love
A dream
A laugh

nothing to lose.

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What do we do after running away from people we love and realizing that they don't chase us back? We continue running -even when we couldn't really see the road for our sight are blurred with tears. We continue running, and hoping, that those people at the end of the road are willing to catch us. 
I guess leaving your "dream" behind has its price. You will either spend the rest of your life wondering "what if you've stayed", or better, you will thank yourself for being brave enough to let go of the people who hurt you and perhaps, if you are lucky enough, you will find your happily ever after. 
Again, we will never know, whether the next people we meet will hurt us or please us, but it's not the point, is it? I've learned that second thoughts are good but sometimes doing something spontaneously and whole-heartedly is far better than wasting your time being pessimistic, wondering when will people stop being good to you and finally show off their flaws and well, hurt you. 
Truth is, everyone's going to hurt you at some point. And what do we do? We search for those people who are worth the pain.

Meredith Grey

Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.
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shiny happy people

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Let's be completely changed. Let's forget all the things that hurt, leave all the past behind, be the shiny happy people you've always wanted to be, and let's forgive. Forgive the ones that hurt you, forgive the fake hopes  people made you believe in, forgive them for being wrong, for telling the truth, and for showing how they really feel. Most importantly, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for expecting to much, for trying everything to be happy, for your efforts that didn't work out, for the what ifs, and for being yourself.
Take all the time you need to heal and when the time comes, rumor has it that it won't hurt as much anymore.

my defense mechanism

'nuff said.

don't ever look back.

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hearts break all the time. it’s a fact of life, so move on. one day you’ll look back at this moment in time where someone’s fingers have been so utterly and hopelessly wrapped around your heart — and you’ll laugh. maybe there will be a tinge of regret, bittersweet on the calloused edges of your fingertips. but you’ll realise that no, you can live without certain people and that while time doesn’t perfectly heal all wounds, it does try its best to sew close those open gaping abrasions that were once like black holes in trying to entrap you forever. and perhaps that’s all a person needs to gain closure; shut one door and walk right into the arms of another. whether these arms embrace you warmly or push you away, whether the door slams shut right in your face or beckons you in, you’ll never know. but you can try. it’ll be a long, arduous process of loving and rejection and hurting and bruising and all the stolen smiles in-between before you finally settle. and even when you settle, nobody can promise you sunshine all the time, or a perfect breakfast with your eggs done just the way you like it every day. but you’re content, and contentment is even better than happiness, joy or any of those fleeting emotions that never last.
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