note to self.

I am firm believer of the saying: there is someone out there meant only for me and that when we finally meet, things would be perfect; our hands would fit each other perfectly, our hearts would at last combine, and that my "search" would finally be over. On the other hand, I also believe that there is actually no perfect relationship, or guy (or personality, for that matter) that is born or shaped just for me. My belief relates most to the quote: We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect one. Of course this is disputable but I think most of us tend to search for the right person and relationship instead of creating one. Wouldn't it be easier -and perhaps be resulting in less heart breaks- if during arguments, couples avoid the words: break up? Sometimes I wish, instead of saying "I'm sorry, but we are better off separated", things would be better if we say "let's work this out together". I'm not saying it would be easy, for we may not know whether things would really work out or get even worse, I'm saying we try. Sure, there'll be ups and downs to this and at some point we would perhaps look back and think it might be easier if we had given up, but what if we had given up the one and changed our so-called destiny? I'm not saying we shouldn't give up either, all I'm saying is why take the easy way out when problems are meant to teach us lessons? Why give up just for the sake of avoiding pain?
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach out to another is to risk involvement. To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."  (source)

my 2010 in a post

I cried, fought for love, made bad decisions, tried and failed, smiled, laughed hard, attended a best friend's graduation, read great books, found songs with beautiful lyrics, had my first paycheck, held on too tight, gave up and learned the harsh truth that not everyone's going to be around forever, so I cherish the ones I have now and believe that in the end, everything is going to be just fine :)

justify

I talk about happiness like I know what it means completely. I write about love, relationships and the term moving on as if I have already gotten the hang of them while in fact, I'm still far. But don't get me wrong. I wrote about being happy because at that moment, I really am happy (or at least I thought I was). I wrote about moving on and not looking back not because I have mastered them. There are still countless times when I find myself looking back, too. I wrote about them solely because I want to remind myself as many times as possible, that if I believe, everything will work out just fine. You see, I'm actually using a trial and error approach here. You know the term: go with the flow? Basically, I let life take me to wherever I belong, and often times, I don't question it. If it changes my perspective, I let it do so. If life brings me up to the state where I feel happy, I appreciate it, and If life throws me back to the ground, I will, at my best, get up and start all over again. Hence as I do that, I learn. That's the whole point. You go with the flow, made bad decisions, screwed up, cried, but you learn. Sometimes you won't learn the lesson in the first time you screw up, sometimes you learn  the lesson the hard way, sometimes you do the same mistakes again and again. That doesn't mean you are a failure. It simply means that you are brave enough to follow your heart, make mistakes and learn from them.

feeling blue

So I was listening to a presentation by my fellow classmates, a part of me was trying to focus on what they say and another part of me, however, can't help but to let my eyes wander. I was obviously trying to take mental pictures of the whole class, some of them have been in the same tutorial class as I am for almost 3 years now and it just hit me, that one day, when I'm busy working my ass off trying to make ends meet, or maybe one day when I'm all set with family of my own, the memories would come and I'll be missing this time. I will absolutely miss university life, like I am missing my high school life right now. It's such a weird feeling, you know, that feeling bittersweet memories always bring out. It's kinda like you want to travel back to those times and probably live in that time because you know at the back of your mind, no matter how hard it was back then, you've gone through it, and survived. And if you could, you would probably choose to stay forever because you are scared that the future won't turn out to be as sweet as it was in the past. But remember, as days go by, things will slowly change, it could be good or bad, but at the end of the day, everything will unfold, the lies and the truths that no one wanted to talk about. Soon, everything good will fall into the right place and if things are meant to be, it will be. 
Reminiscing the old times are good but it takes you nowhere, if anything, it merely brings out regrets (and maybe a little smile on your face) but you'll find yourself walking backwards while the most important thing you need to do is to move forward and create new memories.
So take more pictures, laugh at lame jokes, appreciate the moment as if all of them will be taken away one day, because they will. Say whatever things you want to say and don't forget to tell the people you love how much they mean to you, but remember, it's not because you want to hear the "I love you too" it's because you know that when you say "I love you", you make them feel appreciated and loved and they will remember you for the rest of their lives.
I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelo
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remember december

Take a look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see looking back. Is it the person you want to be, or is there someone else you were meant to be; the person you should have of been, but feel short. Is someone telling you, you can't or won't because you can. Believe that love is out there. Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do. Sometimes happiness doesn't come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friend and family or from the quite nobility of leading a good life. And believe that dreams come true everyday because they do. So take a look in that mirror remind yourself to be happy because you deserve to be. 
-One Tree Hill (via henzellovestosmile)
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The Flood Song

I was sleeping at the back seat of the car during a road trip to Fraser's Hill with friends and I remember waking up to the view of series of hills and this song. We were actually driving on a one-way winding road surrounded by what looks like deep gorges on one side and hills on the other. The visibility was low because of the fog and well, it was only 7 in the morning.
Somehow, listening to this song again takes me back to that day, at the back seat, sipping a cup of warm coffee, enjoying the view. I love all other songs by Andre Harihandoyo and The Sonic People, but this has been my favorite :)

Mr.Time

"I feel great! I really mean it. I have to remember this for the next time I'm having a terrible week. Have you ever done that? You feel really bad, and then it goes away, and you don't know why. I try to remind myself when I feel great like this that there will be another terrible week coming someday, so I should store up as many great details as I can, so during the next terrible week, I can remember those details and believe that I'll feel great again. It doesn't work a lot, but I think it's very important to try."
-Charlie (The Perks of Being a Wallflower).
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moving on.

You find yourself in a car driving fast on a freeway leaving your hometown behind, you are driving alone to an unknown place, but you know for sure you have to go. Of course, it feels like a major part of you is there in your hometown and so you can't stop looking at the rear view mirror. You see the crowded city, the tall building, then you see them slowly fade away, but still, you can't take your eyes off of it because you keep thinking of how comfortable and good it was when you were there. And perhaps, you regret having to leave so you try your best to take a mental picture of your home for the last time, and just when you are about to turn to the windshield, you see another car just in front of you slowing down, so you panic and crash into a guardrail. 
Few months later, there you are, gaining your strength and it seems like you have overcome your trauma of driving. So you find yourself driving again in a new car, with a rear view mirror of course, but now that you have learned your lesson the hard way, you don't seem to be much bothered by what's behind you, yeah you may look back once in a while, but you realize that you've done your best, you've tried, and maybe you've lost but everyone's moving on and the world is waiting for no one. Then you turn up the radio just a little higher so that you can sing along to your favorite songs and believe it or not, now you start to enjoy the front view.
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Fearless.

Give it time. If you think you'll never get over someone, if you think you have nothing good left, and if you think you'll never be happy again, let me tell you a secret. You will. There's nothing wrong with giving everything you have to the ones you love (or you once were in love with), as a matter of fact, you have to give your best to them, you have to trust that they'll never leave or hurt you, because that's how it works, you know.. You love as if you'll never be hurt, even when you know that everyone leaves, eventually. You've got to have faith, because that's how you'll grasp the idea of what love truly means.

Here in my room.

It's sad. The fact that we,at some point, will always wish we were someone else. It's just sad that we can't be thankful for what we have and instead, we keep complaining about how lucky someone else is. It's sad that it took me ages of whining and complaint to find out that happiness means loving what is given to me with all my heart.

You can.No matter what.

Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. And most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong.
quote taken from here
photo taken from here

This may sound completely bias.

My friends used to ask me why I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter account, and most of the times, I would simply respond by telling them how those social networks bore me -which to some extent, they really do. But it sounds a little too cliché, isn't it? I mean, I used to update my status and post new photos frequently and then out of the blue, I decided  to deactivate my account only because I'm bored. And I really thought it was the main reason, too, but truth is, I started to get this uneasy feeling whenever I see or read "informations" I generally don't care or worse, don't want to know about. You know that saying: what you don't know won't hurt you? yeah, I think I know what it means now. For me, it's better to know nothing rather than to end up being hurt knowing something. Well, I don't know, maybe this is just my insecurity talking, but I think life is all about choosing what is good and what makes us happy. Besides, rather than spending ample time worrying about unnecessary stuffs, I think people should surround themselves with positive things, and for me, those social networks have become too "open" that I choose not to involve in them, because after all life's too short to be anything but happy, right?
But then again, this could be just another distorted opinion coming from my insecurity.
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little piece of heaven.

Soon, you will forget all those things and people that became the reasons of why you do certain things. You just know you did, and you know for certain that whether it made you feel happy or left you with a tinge of regret, the things you did in the past shaped you into who you are now. And who you are now is what matter the most. So thank the people from your past, for giving you sweet memories to be recalled during the next not-so-good days, for teaching you the value of time, and for letting you go when the time comes so that you have the chance to meet other great people in the future. 
The best day of my life was not when I had the one I love all to myself.
The best day of my life was when I finally learned that love is not just about a person or how sweet one relationship is. Love is fighting hard for the happiness of the ones you love. It means going through rejections and heartbreaks and still have the hope and courage to love all over again.
The best day of my life was when I learned that letting go is the first step to pursuing happiness.
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'In pieces yet one'

About a month ago, this Indonesian society (komando) in my campus held an event called Indo Night. It is normally held every year where most Indonesian performers from universities here in Malaysia get to show off their talent or something like that. What's special from this event was that we managed to invite Tompi, an Indonesian Jazz singer to Malaysia. Here's a little video summary from the day of the event.

Credit goes to the photographer

My life so far

In no time, Christmas and new year will soon kick in and just like that, one more year has passed. Seems like just yesterday, when I began the year 2010 by listing down my new year's resolutions in mind and making plans toward it. For me, the year 2010 is indifferent from the previous years. Same routine, circle of friends and it looks like nothing has changed. But to think about it, I think it's safe to say that I am no longer the same person I was a year ago.
I've learned that running away from pain will hurt even more than facing it. Attach and Detach. There's a chapter in Tuesdays with Morrie that says "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live". It basically means that rather than avoiding problem, it will be much easier if we let our emotions in to the problem. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then you can say, 'All right. I have experienced the emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment'. I am glad I let myself go with the pain (attach) rather than escaping from it, because only then I could realize what I realize now,-that pain (and loneliness) is nothing but a state of mind and now is the perfect time for me to detach from it. The year 2010 was both hell and heaven to me. I could still remember all those pointless drama, hectic exams, boring internship period, and how me and my friend cried happy tears in our car after our then boss told us not to come to the office ever again. (haha!)
The year 2010 could be just another average year in a nutshell, but for me, this year has taught me not to easily give up on my own belief, even when it means having to undergo all those fears and tears.
Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength (source)

Good laugh. Great song.

Ethan Tremblay: [Talking to a can containing his dad's ashes] "Dad...You were like a father to me."
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"Variations on the Word Sleep"

by Margaret Atwood

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

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have faith.

Have you ever come across the term "the end"? In the movie, or maybe in your daily life's conversations? Well I think the term "the end" is somewhat overrated. Sometimes we think that when two people say goodbye to each other, it really is the end and they will never, in the future, cross each other's path again. It is kinda sad, isn't it, to live your life knowing (or rather forcing yourself to believe) that you are never to see the friend you used to share everything with? It's silly, actually. But that's how life works, right? We are given the privilege to choose and sometimes we make the right choices, sometimes we make the wrong ones, but then again, we don't know what is right and what is wrong until we really did it, or in this case, we don't quite know whether it's really the end or merely a long pause before we realize that we've never left in the first place.
"....But know this; the ones that love us never really leave us. And you can always find them in here [puts his hand to Harry's heart] ." 
Sirius Black in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
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