dream.

I told you I was in a "vulnerable state" and truth is that it has been my weakness for the longest time to dwell in the past, to hold on to something that I should have let go long time ago and somehow pretend to be full of hope while at the same time sad and pessimistic.

But have you ever began chatting with someone whom you hardly know and ask yourself why you were not friends in the first place? Well that's how I feel about you when we first talked. And as I get to know you better, I was surprised at how you sometimes say or do things that make me say to myself from something like: "That's my favorite song, too" and "That's what I have been thinking, too!" to "No way, that's my dream, too!" It just really fascinates me how sometimes you know things about me that I have never told anyone before. And you are not even aware of that!

I remember writing in this blog about how I have turned bitter on love and all those romantic gestures, and I can't believe that now, 2 years after that post, I am here, safe, sound and...whole. It is as if every (really) bad things that I have gone through are all just a distant memory (or even a bad dream, who knows?)

Now I think that saying I love you is really an understatement, because I feel more than that. It feels as if I have found my real home, you know, that place, that sanctuary where I can express my feelings without being judged. I can start crying one night when I stumble upon a sad story on tumblr and all you did was wipe my tears away without looking at me differently or telling me that I'm weird or whatever. Or that weekend when you went back to your place and I was so lonely when I found a sweet note that you wrote in my phone days before. You always surprise me with what you do, even sometimes when you don't really try to.

If someone had told me few years ago that I would be able to feel and see what I am seeing and feeling now, I would have probably laughed and shrugged it off. Things really do get better after all.

When someone asks me if I'm happy with my life, most of the time I will, without a second thought, say "yes, I'm really happy with my life now". But then as I am lying wide awake in my bed during some of those sleepless nights, I got myself thinking and reflecting back to what happiness really means. Does it mean we have to be happy all the time? No tears, no heartbreaks, no disappointments, no anger and all that? I know most of all tends to avoid all those feelings and myself included too. But we can't expect things to always work out the way we want them to be, right?

There is an episode of The Oprah Winfrey show where she says that in life, we should strive for contentment. Now I didn't agree or much less understand what she means with that at first, but as I grow older (and hopefully mature enough), I now get what she means. Feeling content, to me, means feeling happy but also not disregarding the fact that sometimes we as humans are greedy and selfish, so at times, we may be angry or sad or even disappointed. Being content means acknowledging the fact that we may be sad for certain things and that it's okay to feel certain ways. As for me, crying sometimes (if not most) makes things better. My heart instantly feels lighter and less..sad afterwards. How revealing!

So yes I'm striving for contentment, just because being happy all the time is tiring. I mean have you ever tried so hard to feel happy and to look on the bright side and still end up feeling sad and unsatisfied?