Loving you, it hurts sometimes.

Hope is what keeps you awake late at night when you are supposed to be asleep, it is also what motivates you to wake up every morning. Hope means telling yourself to give up many times because it might be better off that way but at the end of the day, you still believe that there's got to be some kind of miracle, no matter how tiny it is. It is indeed not uttered in a loud scream or a firm voice, it's more like a soft whisper coming from trembling lips and teary eyes. It is the sneaky soft wish under starry skies, over the rainbow, and even through heavy rain.

That was a note I wrote couple months ago, back when I was (and still am,fyi) struggling with the predicament between what my logic says and what my heart feels. Girls, as we know, will most of the time let the heart speaks, or for me, let the heart speaks louder than the brain, which means, going against logic, which also means believing that the almost impossible things can happen. It demands an extensive amount of risk, of course. "But what's life without taking risks, anyway?" my heart would speculate. "You will only get hurt! All the fact is there, in front of your eyes, and yet you refuse to see." as usual, my logic would defense.

That's the problem with taking risks, you see. You will always find yourself wondering about the other choices you left behind. The 'What if' phrase. 

In the midst of all the emotional wreckage, buckets full of tears, mornings with swollen eyes, I found something. A feeling so soothing it almost feels like heaven. A hope, that tomorrow things will turn out the way I want it to be. It makes me kinda want to pause and enjoy, but at the same time, I know it's not real, and I shouldn't be doing that. But still, I continue dreaming, forcing my eyes to close, battling against nature, hoping to somehow stay longer in that dream because I know, when I wake up, everything will be gone.

And yeah. Even now, months after, I still find myself battling with those predicaments. To make things worse: on a daily basis. 

I need help, I guess?