unrequited love

Sometimes people forget, that love isn't all about having a picture perfect relationship, moments that take your breath away, or acts that make you go "aww, that's so sweet".

Sometimes people forget, that despite all the rejections, hatred, hopelessness, and tears, love -against all odds- grows.

What's wrong?

One day, there's you with your typical boyish t-shirt, jeans, and dirty converse sneakers. "What's with the dirty converse?" I asked. You, with your bright smile and shining eyes would explain, "Converse looks good when it's dirty, don't you know that?" Me, with my typical girly dress, white cardigan, and flat shoes would smile, and reply "I had no idea". 

And from that day on, I knew, nothing could go wrong. I mean, what could be more innocent than two people enjoying each other's companion?

I was wrong.

And frankly speaking, I don't know what to believe anymore.

Loving you, it hurts sometimes.

Hope is what keeps you awake late at night when you are supposed to be asleep, it is also what motivates you to wake up every morning. Hope means telling yourself to give up many times because it might be better off that way but at the end of the day, you still believe that there's got to be some kind of miracle, no matter how tiny it is. It is indeed not uttered in a loud scream or a firm voice, it's more like a soft whisper coming from trembling lips and teary eyes. It is the sneaky soft wish under starry skies, over the rainbow, and even through heavy rain.

That was a note I wrote couple months ago, back when I was (and still am,fyi) struggling with the predicament between what my logic says and what my heart feels. Girls, as we know, will most of the time let the heart speaks, or for me, let the heart speaks louder than the brain, which means, going against logic, which also means believing that the almost impossible things can happen. It demands an extensive amount of risk, of course. "But what's life without taking risks, anyway?" my heart would speculate. "You will only get hurt! All the fact is there, in front of your eyes, and yet you refuse to see." as usual, my logic would defense.

That's the problem with taking risks, you see. You will always find yourself wondering about the other choices you left behind. The 'What if' phrase. 

In the midst of all the emotional wreckage, buckets full of tears, mornings with swollen eyes, I found something. A feeling so soothing it almost feels like heaven. A hope, that tomorrow things will turn out the way I want it to be. It makes me kinda want to pause and enjoy, but at the same time, I know it's not real, and I shouldn't be doing that. But still, I continue dreaming, forcing my eyes to close, battling against nature, hoping to somehow stay longer in that dream because I know, when I wake up, everything will be gone.

And yeah. Even now, months after, I still find myself battling with those predicaments. To make things worse: on a daily basis. 

I need help, I guess?

Oh,the guilt.

A bunch of unknowns.

Maybe that's how life works,you know.
Maybe we need sorrow to understand joy.
Maybe we need the crowd to appreciate the importance of being alone.
Maybe we need the tears to value the softness a tissue has to offer.
Maybe we need long distances and probably long haul flights to make us realize the essence of a hug from family and friends we left behind.
Maybe we need storms to enjoy the sun.
Maybe we need goodbyes to be able cherish the hellos.
and maybe we need to experience hell in order to deserve heaven.

La douleur exquise.

It's in your eyes, where I want to drown myself and fade away,

It's in your eyes too, where I want to swim, and stay alive.

oh how I wish we had more time together.

They may say I'm naive.

Boy,they have no idea, do they?

They say I'm just afraid of reality.

But honey, aren't we all?

"Funny that one moment both of you were inseparable. 

And now, you're just two different people trying to forget each other"

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Now or Never

"Did you say it? I love you? I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life… did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it. But every now and then, look around. Drink it in. ‘Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."
Meredith Grey