memories.

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In the end, the differences that bonded us are the ones breaking us apart.

life as we know it.

When about to do things in life, we tend to search for the perfect reasoning behind, weigh the chances up and hope things go according to our initial plans. But life's a little unpredictable most of the time, as we continue living our life as normal as it could be, things begin to change, and rationally, as we realize, we would stop to analyse and most of the times, to be surprised of how things don't go according to our plans. It may sometimes confuse or even break our hearts, as in realizing how life can easily betray us. But what I'd like to believe in is that change is inevitable and it doesn't always go in our favor. My mom always says something like "People can make a plan, but only heaven knows what is certain" whenever things go wrong, and it kinda hits me now that she is right in every way. 

Some people could be the reason behind us doing something, it could be in the form of a promise for example; and what is heartbreaking here is that sometimes, people that we promised to won't necessarily be there to see it happen.

We do things in hopes of changing something in life. Change for the better, they said. But once in a while, we end up being the ones that are changed the most.

photo taken from here

Quote for Thought.

My whole life I’ve hated going to bed. I like falling asleep instead. Falling asleep is so much better than going to bed because you don’t get tangled up in the logistics. Falling asleep happens for you, even if it means waking up at eight to the sun assaulting your eyes while a block of metal videos are playing on VH1 Classic. Then all you have to do is scamper over to your bed where you can capitalize on how fresh the memory of how to sleep is and instantly dip back into slumber. Going to bed invites performance anxiety. Going to bed means you have to confront a final moment of consciousness. I’m not a fan. I hope you all fall asleep well tonight.
Indeed, johnmayer.

Once again

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In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happenend to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.
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If you could see me now.

I am happy. Not content yet but happy. And honestly, it's everything that I have wished for.
If you could see me now, 
I bet deep down inside, you would be smiling because I'm stronger, and you've always wanted me to be a strong independent girl. 
I know there's still a "you" element in almost every post here but I promise that one day, if I'm lucky enough, I am going to forget most of the things about you -the things that still hurt. But until then, you will always be a part of me and I can do nothing about it, except to silently wish that wherever you are now, you are happy, too :)

another way of looking at things.

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Me: (looking at a friend who's just got warned by the disciplinary teacher for his weird piercings) "Why would he do that? Piercing all over his body, I mean. He obviously doesn't love his own body."
Her: "I think he loves his body too much, he wants to make them look good."

It was a long time ago, but this conversation just randomly popped into my head. A conversation I had with one of my best friends that believe it or not, made me think hard. Maybe she's right, sometimes love makes us do crazy things that perhaps nobody around us could understand, and most of the times people will even let us down by putting negative judgement on us. Not that we care, but I think our society is screwed up. We don't accept eccentricity and as far as the reality is concerned, our idea of perfection is clouded by materialism and well, people's opinion. The truth is however, the idea of perfection is relative. For some people, perfection means having the power to control people, being a leader for example. For some, spending days with their love ones could be their idea of perfection. Some people would also believe that happiness or perfection would come when they achieve or possess certain things, which most of the times, are materialistic things. I used to be one of them you know, the one who would say "I will be happy when I have him by my side". But I was wrong for I didn't look at the bigger picture. Actually, it's up to us to see perfection in any ways, but what's important here is to be thankful for whatever we have and what is given to us, not only because some people in this world would literally kill to have what we do have, but it is also important to know how weak the concept of forever is and to come into realization that one day, when we have finally achieved all of those things we wanted so badly to have and just started to celebrate and to actually appreciate, things will change and ready or not, all of this will be taken away. So, appreciate what you have now and don't forget to enjoy the process of finding your own perfection.

ohh Squidward, I know exactly how you feel.

taken from here

11.11

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Dear you,

It's funny how certain small things can change your impression towards some things, some bigger things in life. I grew up in this place I'd always describe as the heaven of foods. Well, basically that would be my first sentence if anyone has ever asked me what Medan is like. And normally, such conversation would end with "Yeah, the foods are awesome, come visit me sometime and I'd be your tour guide." Truth is, I always find myself wondering what other things I can tell more about this lovely city. That would be ummm... none?


Don't get me wrong.  I was talking about how this city has left different impressions on each of us, and trying to define it to somebody else kinda ruin the whole meaning. Let alone the fact that it is hard to define in the first place.


In my first years of living away from home, I had always dreamed of going back there. I had always thought that I belong there, in that city. I was not sure why, but somehow being away from home and looking at my friends' life back in my hometown made me say to myself, "I'm going back there for good someday." (It's funny, because most of the people I know staying there would prefer living somewhere else). Of course it's not just the food (even though I would love waking up to the smell of my mom's cooking) that led me to being homesick; it's something bigger and maybe, better. It could be my best friends, the soul-mates I am lucky to have found. Or it could be my family, even when we don't express our feelings easily. It could be the broken and bumpy roads and the old trees standing tall and strong. It could be you, even with all your egos and perplexity. Or it could be the combination of all. Something I have always been dreaming of. You and me, getting along with my family and best friends. 


This post was actually paused for few minutes as my mind was rambling through the past, when everything was fine, but it had to stop, so yeah, where was I? The combination of all, right. Well, that's what I mean when I said "it's funny how certain small things can change your impression towards some things, some bigger things in life". I mean, I have lived a decent 18 years of my life there and the most memory I could recall about this city mainly has you in it? 


Now, the mere thought of going back even only for vacation scares me. The city now sounds bitter to me, and finally, the idea of staying longer in this new city crawls its way into my heart and somehow, it sounds better because going back there could trigger those bittersweet memories that I have been trying so hard to forget in the past few months.


Still, the city will always be a sweet dream to me. I just love how easily I could fall asleep in my own bed, how easy it was, not having to worry about the amount of money left in my bank account, and how perfect it was, having good times with family, friends and well, you. 
But again, it's only a dream and I should wake up.


Love,
The girl who tried.

Talking to the moon.

I don't know.. Maybe I don't really love you.. Maybe the thought of being replaced simply scares the hell out of me. They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Is that true? 
Take one example: Heartbreak. Yeah there's a high chance you may survive but does it make you any stronger? Not necessarily. At some points it may, but for me, heartbreak is the worst pain one could ever suffer. It's not always shown openly but for those who has had their heart broken, the pain might last long enough to stop them from opening themselves to others. Personally, a heartbreak has left me full of guilt. There was a time when I found myself pondering about what have I done wrong, and how big those mistakes are that I deserve to be left alone. The questions went on and on and on in my head (they still do, by the way) and yeah, they are all left unanswered. Sometimes I'd like to make up the answers on my own, you know, the ones like: "Nah, he just doesn't love you anymore. Well, maybe he never did."  or "Maybe he's just scared, insecure and doesn't know what to do." But my favorite version has always been: "Who cares why! The past is the past. Let it be."
Now, the big question is, can we?
Life is not fair, I know that, but even if we have moved on with our life and probably met somebody new, is it really possible to completely forget? Hello, the sentence"I'm leaving you" is the other way of saying "You are not good enough", and if you are told that you are not good enough, or you don't deserve that someone, do you think you can simply reply "Well, screw you", walk away with a smile and wake up with a new heart the next day? 
I don't know...
But for now, "What doesn't kill you makes you wish it did" sounds more rational to me.


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forever and ever.

I blew out a kiss, whispered your name

It flew to the sky, across the oceans and unknown lands,

Sometimes it couldn't help but get carried away by the wind,

But with the help of the birds, it’s now on its way..

So if one day you find yourself thinking of me,

I guess my kiss has finally reached you.

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'cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even.

Extracted from a book by Raditya Dika; "Marmut Merah Jambu", page 15.


Pada akhirnya, orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam hanya bisa mendoakan, setelah capek berharap, pengharapan yang ada dari dulu, yang tumbuh dari mulai kecil sekali, hingga makin lama makin besar, lalu semakin lama semakin jauh. Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam pada akhirnya menerima. Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam paham bahwa kenyataan terkadang berbeda dengan apa yang kita inginkan. Terkadang yang kita inginkan bisa jadi yang tidak sesungguhnya kita butuhkan. Dan sebenarnya, yang kita butuhkan hanyalah merelakan. Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam hanya bisa, seperti yang mereka selalu lakukan, jatuh cinta sendirian.

thank you.