unrequited love

Sometimes people forget, that love isn't all about having a picture perfect relationship, moments that take your breath away, or acts that make you go "aww, that's so sweet".

Sometimes people forget, that despite all the rejections, hatred, hopelessness, and tears, love -against all odds- grows.

What's wrong?

One day, there's you with your typical boyish t-shirt, jeans, and dirty converse sneakers. "What's with the dirty converse?" I asked. You, with your bright smile and shining eyes would explain, "Converse looks good when it's dirty, don't you know that?" Me, with my typical girly dress, white cardigan, and flat shoes would smile, and reply "I had no idea". 

And from that day on, I knew, nothing could go wrong. I mean, what could be more innocent than two people enjoying each other's companion?

I was wrong.

And frankly speaking, I don't know what to believe anymore.

Loving you, it hurts sometimes.

Hope is what keeps you awake late at night when you are supposed to be asleep, it is also what motivates you to wake up every morning. Hope means telling yourself to give up many times because it might be better off that way but at the end of the day, you still believe that there's got to be some kind of miracle, no matter how tiny it is. It is indeed not uttered in a loud scream or a firm voice, it's more like a soft whisper coming from trembling lips and teary eyes. It is the sneaky soft wish under starry skies, over the rainbow, and even through heavy rain.

That was a note I wrote couple months ago, back when I was (and still am,fyi) struggling with the predicament between what my logic says and what my heart feels. Girls, as we know, will most of the time let the heart speaks, or for me, let the heart speaks louder than the brain, which means, going against logic, which also means believing that the almost impossible things can happen. It demands an extensive amount of risk, of course. "But what's life without taking risks, anyway?" my heart would speculate. "You will only get hurt! All the fact is there, in front of your eyes, and yet you refuse to see." as usual, my logic would defense.

That's the problem with taking risks, you see. You will always find yourself wondering about the other choices you left behind. The 'What if' phrase. 

In the midst of all the emotional wreckage, buckets full of tears, mornings with swollen eyes, I found something. A feeling so soothing it almost feels like heaven. A hope, that tomorrow things will turn out the way I want it to be. It makes me kinda want to pause and enjoy, but at the same time, I know it's not real, and I shouldn't be doing that. But still, I continue dreaming, forcing my eyes to close, battling against nature, hoping to somehow stay longer in that dream because I know, when I wake up, everything will be gone.

And yeah. Even now, months after, I still find myself battling with those predicaments. To make things worse: on a daily basis. 

I need help, I guess?

Oh,the guilt.

A bunch of unknowns.

Maybe that's how life works,you know.
Maybe we need sorrow to understand joy.
Maybe we need the crowd to appreciate the importance of being alone.
Maybe we need the tears to value the softness a tissue has to offer.
Maybe we need long distances and probably long haul flights to make us realize the essence of a hug from family and friends we left behind.
Maybe we need storms to enjoy the sun.
Maybe we need goodbyes to be able cherish the hellos.
and maybe we need to experience hell in order to deserve heaven.

La douleur exquise.

It's in your eyes, where I want to drown myself and fade away,

It's in your eyes too, where I want to swim, and stay alive.

oh how I wish we had more time together.

They may say I'm naive.

Boy,they have no idea, do they?

They say I'm just afraid of reality.

But honey, aren't we all?

"Funny that one moment both of you were inseparable. 

And now, you're just two different people trying to forget each other"

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Now or Never

"Did you say it? I love you? I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life… did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it. But every now and then, look around. Drink it in. ‘Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."
Meredith Grey

Too much information

I think and I think and I think. I analyze all the possibilities and consequences. For one minute I can be very optimistic and full of hope, but the next minutes are about worst case scenarios and bam, I'm back to being vulnerable once again. This thing we called thinking, the one we can't really help but to go with it, sometimes makes me wonder..will it make any difference? Sometimes I think to myself, what's the point in holding on when the rest of the world is moving forward. Sometimes I wonder about the possibility that something better came and I missed it. Sometimes I would tell my brain to stop. Just stop and don't think of anything, anything about him. Most of the time I lose for he is everywhere, -even in my dreams.
And the fact that all of these thoughts came to me like a flood of sandy and pungent -but somehow addictive-feelings which makes me travel back and forth between what I know for sure and what I hope to be true, is just too much. You are like a cup of warm coffee to my lethargic morning, a cold lemonade to my dehydrated throat. I want you. You don't want me to want you. See the point now?
I. can't. get. enough. of. you.

Heartbreak 101

I hold on too tightly. For quite sometime now, I have this idea that there will come a day when good things fall into right places. I let go of the things I love only to realize that without them, I'm nothing. And I don't want to be nothing.
Is it possible for someone to move on without letting go?

People, they make mistakes.

A: "Hey, what's with your display pictures lately?"

B: "eh? Nothing. Why?"

A: "Just wondering because most of them are sad, heart wrenching stuffs. 

     You know you can always tell me anything right?"

B: "Yeah, but nothing really. It's just that I'm heartless now.. Hahahaha"

A: "Are you really laughing or you pretend you are laughing? I'm good at that too, you know."

B: "I'm pretending I pretend laughing"

A: "Right. Hahah"

Did it ever occur to you that those who are the hardest to love, the ones who you think least deserve any chance to be loved just because they screw things up too many times, might be the ones who need it the most?

I'd like to believe in that, you know.

"She loves him more than he will ever know. He loves her more than he will ever show"

I build up walls just to see them collide.

I believe there's always a soundtrack for every occasion we are in, be it important occasions like the school prom, a song played during a long drive to the beach, or the ringtones playing in the middle of a tensed conversation. And somehow, when that song is randomly played somewhere, the memory emerges, so real that it feels like you are given a chance to live in that moment again. It could be any sound, any jingle, or any songs playing on the car radio. As for me, Taylor Swift's Stay Beautiful will always remind me of my hometown, me driving pass the line of big old trees near the heart of the busy town. And Michael Buble's Everything (oh I love that song) will always remind me of me and him in the car, on our way to spend our last valentine's day together. Things like this, the beautiful song and memories that it brings along, are the things that I will treasure and cherish for the rest of my days.

He sees everything in black and white

Look at me.
Look at you in that mirror.
What an unattractive person, you may say to yourself.
But for now, take your mask off and tear it apart.
No, they won't judge you. At least not today.
You don't have to smile, we both know it's artificial.
Now hold on to that feeling. Hold it tight.
Don't ever let go because if you do, you'll have nothing left.


"And when you find everything you looked for,
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if you don't, stay beautiful."