This post is dedicated to the ones that's left.
I am now letting all of you go.., not only physically, but I, with all my common sense and no intention of declaring a war or whatnot, have decided to let go. I'd like to genuinely thank you, though, for helping me realize that nothing lasts forever and that whatever happens is whatever it is. I've also learned that there is no use dwelling on the past nor there is any use of living in it. I've realized that letting go is also a part of showing someone you love them and that you want them to be happy because feelings fade and we can do nothing except accepting it as it is. I don't know how long this "process" will last but I believe time heals all the wounds and eventually, everything will fall into the right place. Thus, I will continue living the present and you will, too. I will smile again and you will, too. At last, I will try loving again and you will, too.
"Thanks for the roller coaster ride. I hope you have a smooth one out there."
Love,
The one you leave behind.
26.10.10
sorry for the gloomy and twisted post.
Don't wanna be hurt that way..
It was hard to see pass all those beautiful lies, hopeless hope, sky-high expectations and fake smiles I thought was real. And trust me, it was harder to admit that those things are unreal. Truth is, I'm afraid to say it out loud. I realized I have been living in my own fantasy for quite sometime. I have been feeding myself those pretty memories, and even though it made me smile, I knew it wouldn't last long. And so I quit.
I realized that you never really came back for you've made your decision the day you told me it's over, 2 years ago. And what's worse, you are still making the same decision every single day. And so I force myself to wake up from this beautiful dream.
I don't hate you for that, really. People change and feelings fade. But now that I'm awake and empty, what do I do next?
18.10.10
True colors.
Life is not fair. Sometimes you do something good for people and you wish people would do something for you in return but they don't, sometimes you try your best at something and receive no rewards in return and most of the times, all you could do is fake a smile and pretend nothing's wrong because there really isn't. Every now and then, you can only seal those feelings in a box under your bed because really, there's no point in bringing them up for the responses might hurt you even more. Eventually, it will be easier that way because you are sick and tired of pleasing other people and you kinda created a defense mechanism for yourself. "Some things are better left unsaid" you would say. And once in a while, you can only wish someone is caring enough to peep in that box and offer you a hug you never thought you needed.
"I'm not going to spend my life chasing people. You want to leave? Fine. Go ahead. Because I'm done chasing and caring for people who never had interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I've learned love is hard and life isn't always what you want it to be." source
"I'm not going to spend my life chasing people. You want to leave? Fine. Go ahead. Because I'm done chasing and caring for people who never had interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I've learned love is hard and life isn't always what you want it to be." source
11.10.10
Say
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say...
I like your voice. I like the sound of you laughing and making strange noises (you know, the one you called singing). I even like your pissed off voice when you were cursing those other drivers on the road. In fact I love you for that. For being real, I mean. You have been preoccupying my mind for quite sometime now. I am too afraid to admit this to you for my fear of rejection, but I guess you won't read this so yeah, It's still you.
I am metaphorically standing on the line between holding on and giving you up. That's the thing, you see.. I'm too scared to bring this topic up whenever I'm talking to you, but it's true that..I want to know how you feel about me. Is it love? or It's just some petty crush?
When I think of you, I think of beautiful flowers, colorful balloons flying up in the sky, pretty cakes, confetti, fireworks, concerts, and weddings.
I was secretly paying attention at your expressions, whenever you were telling me stories while driving -and even when you were reading your favorite serial comics in the bookstore. You might not realize this but when I tell jokes and you laugh, my heart smiles. You might not realize this, too.. but when I see you smile and I know I'm not the reason behind it, I die a little inside.
So that's it, my confession. The thing I need to say to you but haven't had guts to.
....You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again.
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say...
I like your voice. I like the sound of you laughing and making strange noises (you know, the one you called singing). I even like your pissed off voice when you were cursing those other drivers on the road. In fact I love you for that. For being real, I mean. You have been preoccupying my mind for quite sometime now. I am too afraid to admit this to you for my fear of rejection, but I guess you won't read this so yeah, It's still you.
I am metaphorically standing on the line between holding on and giving you up. That's the thing, you see.. I'm too scared to bring this topic up whenever I'm talking to you, but it's true that..I want to know how you feel about me. Is it love? or It's just some petty crush?
When I think of you, I think of beautiful flowers, colorful balloons flying up in the sky, pretty cakes, confetti, fireworks, concerts, and weddings.
I was secretly paying attention at your expressions, whenever you were telling me stories while driving -and even when you were reading your favorite serial comics in the bookstore. You might not realize this but when I tell jokes and you laugh, my heart smiles. You might not realize this, too.. but when I see you smile and I know I'm not the reason behind it, I die a little inside.
So that's it, my confession. The thing I need to say to you but haven't had guts to.
....You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again.
7.10.10
"Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day"
That was perhaps couple of months ago, when I was too foolish to work as intern in an e-commerce company here in KL. Anyway, it doesn't end up good and I've moved on, I hope my-then-boss-now-stranger have, too (hihi).
So yeah, it feels like just yesterday, when me and my friend celebrated what I'd like to call: quitting that crappy job by purchasing our tickets home....and It,too feels like just yesterday when I found myself sleeping in my own bed, chit-chatting with grandma, gossiping with friends, and -thank god- seeing a friend smile with my very own eyes, again.
I remember that time when I was out having dinner with a friend and I couldn't help but taking mental pictures of him. It was as though I'm trying to collect as many moments in this little box inside my brain so that when I leave, I bring with me pieces of him. I swear the thought of that made me smile and yeah, I completely forgot the idea of me letting him go. He is a part of me, and even though there's a high chance of me getting hurt, I'd like to keep it that way. I found out that life is too short to be unhappy.
And life felt good.
Until time interrupted and sadly I have to come back here and create a new routine filled with lecture notes, cups and cups of coffee, catching buses, assignments, and finals. *sigh*. Some of my friends jokingly asked me to cancel my plane and stay for couple of days more, and although I wanted so badly to, I thought to myself: What differences a couple of days can make? I will sooner or later leave this hometown. Sometimes I'd like to think I have an unfinished affair with this city, so life must go on, right?
5.10.10
Chasing Rainbows
It's fast, it's scary and it's probably as fragile as that heart of yours.
It's messy, cynical, and chaotic at its best.
But hold on tight,love
Riding on the roller coaster of life has never been easy.
It's never meant to be, anyway.
22.9.10
It's not you, it's me.
Suara teriakan perempuan dgn nada tinggi dan hampir terisak-isak pagi itu membuat tidur lelap ku berakhir. Tak lama kemudian terdengar suara pria bernada marah mendominasi. Dengan rasa kesal bercampur penasaran, gw mencoba mendengar percakapan mereka, "aduh, lagi-lagi berantem" kata gw dalam hati sembari mencoba kembali tidur. Yup, ini memang sudah menjadi santapan sehari-hari warga kompleks rumah gw. Tetangga gw yg terkenal selalu bertengkar mulut dgn suaminya itu memang selalu bikin orang penasaran. Seperti halnya radio, penyiarnya setiap pagi selalu sama, tetapi isi dari percakapannya boleh saja berbeda dan malah kadang, lebih menarik. Permasalahannya sebenarnya sederhana (mnrt gw). Suami yang menuntut terlalu banyak, dan istri yang udah ngga tahan dengan sikap sang suami. Sang istri bahkan sering "curhat" soal sikap kasar suami -dan sikap ga adil keluarga suami nya- ke nyokap gw. Mungkin benar, perlakuan suami terhadap istrinya ngga adil, dan mungkin ngga salah kalau sang istri -saat emosi- sering ingin minta cerai. Tapi gw bingung, apa dengan begitu semua masalah akan selesai? Gimana dengan anak-anak mereka? Katakan saja mereka sudah besar dan sudah belajar hidup mandiri, lalu gimana pula dengan perasaan mereka? Setelah bertahun-tahun menikah, sepertinya orang2 cenderung melupakan kata itu. Kata yang pernah menjadi pegangan dan bahkan fondasi hubungan mereka. Cinta.
Mundur lebih jauh, gw pengen membahas soal hubungan yang lebih fragile daripada pernikahan: pacaran atau mungkin kurang dari itu. Kadang dalam suatu hubungan, kita cenderung lupa atau lebih tepatnya sengaja melupakan masalah perasaan. Sebenarnya kalau dibilang melupakan masalah perasaan juga tidak tepat. Kadang keadaan disekitar kita menuntut tidak adanya toleransi. Apalagi dengan semua kompleksitas yang ditawari hidup. Sepertinya perasaan sudah menjadi hal yang tabu untuk dibahas secara terang-terangan. Banyak alasan seperti "hidup ini masih panjang, ngapain mikirin masalah hati?" dan kroni-kroninya dipakai untuk menghindari pertanyaan yang menjurus kesana.
Gw pernah berhipotesis, mungkin karena itu jaman sekarang banyak banget orang yang sakit hati. Ya, kadang kita lupa, sikap menutup bahkan mengurung perasaan inilah salah satu pemicu utamanya. Coba saja liat beberapa puluh tahun lalu, sepertinya ngga ada deh yang namanya "digantung" atau "ttm" atau "hts". Kalau suka ya jalan, kalau ngga ya ngga. Tetapi tetap saja, mau ngga mau kita semua terpengaruh dan suka ngga suka, kita mulai beradaptasi dgn keadaan itu. Sebagai cewe, mungkin kita bakal klepek-klepek dapet perhatian lebih dari orang yang kita suka. Dari sana, kita mulai mengambil asumsi bahwa orang tersebut suka dan sedang berusaha mendekati kita. Memang benar, kita bisa tau bagaimana perasaan seseorang terhadap kita lewat perbuatan mereka. Seiring waktu berjalan, kita pun mulai jatuh cinta sama orang tersebut. Tetapi percaya ngga, hanya dengan satu kalimat, hati kita yang sedang asik-asiknya terbang bisa jatuh dan hancur berkeping-keping. Kalimat seperti :"Emang gw perna bilang gw suka sama lo?" Yup, kalimat itu memang terdengar ngga logis. Ngga mungkin ada asap kalau ngga ada api kan? Pastinya dong si cowo memberi harapan, makanya kita menanggapi dan mulai berharap? Tapi pikir lagi, sepertinya semua argumen kita hanya akan memperkuat statement sang cowo. "Lah, siapa suruh lo berharap?"
Dan sekarang, duduk di kamar ini dan memandang keluar jendela, memori gw mulai mengambil alih. Di tempat yang sama setengah tahun yang lalu, gw duduk dan merenung. Dan anehnya perasaan gw sama. Sama-sama sakit. Sama persis kalau bisa dibilang. Ya karena sebenarnya memang di tempat inilah gw selalu duduk dan melamun saat hati gw kacau. Gw kesini juga bukan karena gw butuh jawaban. Apa coba yang bisa diambil dari pemandangan baju-baju setengah kering yang ditiup angin sore? Tetapi entah kenapa, ada sesuatu yang menghipnotis dari pemandangan ini. Gw menarik nafas dan menghela. Sekilas, hidup gw bertahun-tahun belakangan ini seperti sia-sia dan mungkin bisa dibilang buang-buang waktu, toh pada akhirnya keadaan gw tetap sama, duduk di lantai kamar kosong menatap jemuran ditambah sakit hati. Tetapi gw juga ga menyangkal kalau banyak sekali pelajaran yang gw ambil dari keadaan ini.
Setelah puas melihat "pemandangan" diluar jendela kamar, gw pun memutuskan untuk mengakhiri proses brainstorming itu. Gw mulai merangkai kata-kata di dalam otak gw sendiri, mencari kesimpulan dari semua pertanyaan dan pernyataan yang gw ajukan tadi. Ya, alangkah baiknya kalau kita semua bisa ngambil kesempatan buat mengutarakan perasaan ke orang-orang yang kita sayang. What if tomorrow never comes?
But then again, it's not that simple, is it?
Mundur lebih jauh, gw pengen membahas soal hubungan yang lebih fragile daripada pernikahan: pacaran atau mungkin kurang dari itu. Kadang dalam suatu hubungan, kita cenderung lupa atau lebih tepatnya sengaja melupakan masalah perasaan. Sebenarnya kalau dibilang melupakan masalah perasaan juga tidak tepat. Kadang keadaan disekitar kita menuntut tidak adanya toleransi. Apalagi dengan semua kompleksitas yang ditawari hidup. Sepertinya perasaan sudah menjadi hal yang tabu untuk dibahas secara terang-terangan. Banyak alasan seperti "hidup ini masih panjang, ngapain mikirin masalah hati?" dan kroni-kroninya dipakai untuk menghindari pertanyaan yang menjurus kesana.
Gw pernah berhipotesis, mungkin karena itu jaman sekarang banyak banget orang yang sakit hati. Ya, kadang kita lupa, sikap menutup bahkan mengurung perasaan inilah salah satu pemicu utamanya. Coba saja liat beberapa puluh tahun lalu, sepertinya ngga ada deh yang namanya "digantung" atau "ttm" atau "hts". Kalau suka ya jalan, kalau ngga ya ngga. Tetapi tetap saja, mau ngga mau kita semua terpengaruh dan suka ngga suka, kita mulai beradaptasi dgn keadaan itu. Sebagai cewe, mungkin kita bakal klepek-klepek dapet perhatian lebih dari orang yang kita suka. Dari sana, kita mulai mengambil asumsi bahwa orang tersebut suka dan sedang berusaha mendekati kita. Memang benar, kita bisa tau bagaimana perasaan seseorang terhadap kita lewat perbuatan mereka. Seiring waktu berjalan, kita pun mulai jatuh cinta sama orang tersebut. Tetapi percaya ngga, hanya dengan satu kalimat, hati kita yang sedang asik-asiknya terbang bisa jatuh dan hancur berkeping-keping. Kalimat seperti :"Emang gw perna bilang gw suka sama lo?" Yup, kalimat itu memang terdengar ngga logis. Ngga mungkin ada asap kalau ngga ada api kan? Pastinya dong si cowo memberi harapan, makanya kita menanggapi dan mulai berharap? Tapi pikir lagi, sepertinya semua argumen kita hanya akan memperkuat statement sang cowo. "Lah, siapa suruh lo berharap?"
Dan sekarang, duduk di kamar ini dan memandang keluar jendela, memori gw mulai mengambil alih. Di tempat yang sama setengah tahun yang lalu, gw duduk dan merenung. Dan anehnya perasaan gw sama. Sama-sama sakit. Sama persis kalau bisa dibilang. Ya karena sebenarnya memang di tempat inilah gw selalu duduk dan melamun saat hati gw kacau. Gw kesini juga bukan karena gw butuh jawaban. Apa coba yang bisa diambil dari pemandangan baju-baju setengah kering yang ditiup angin sore? Tetapi entah kenapa, ada sesuatu yang menghipnotis dari pemandangan ini. Gw menarik nafas dan menghela. Sekilas, hidup gw bertahun-tahun belakangan ini seperti sia-sia dan mungkin bisa dibilang buang-buang waktu, toh pada akhirnya keadaan gw tetap sama, duduk di lantai kamar kosong menatap jemuran ditambah sakit hati. Tetapi gw juga ga menyangkal kalau banyak sekali pelajaran yang gw ambil dari keadaan ini.
Setelah puas melihat "pemandangan" diluar jendela kamar, gw pun memutuskan untuk mengakhiri proses brainstorming itu. Gw mulai merangkai kata-kata di dalam otak gw sendiri, mencari kesimpulan dari semua pertanyaan dan pernyataan yang gw ajukan tadi. Ya, alangkah baiknya kalau kita semua bisa ngambil kesempatan buat mengutarakan perasaan ke orang-orang yang kita sayang. What if tomorrow never comes?
But then again, it's not that simple, is it?
1.9.10
...and the reason is you.
This is a post taken from a tumblr account I'm following. I know it may seem like I have nothing more personal to post here (which is true), but trust me, reading this makes me feel safe, somehow.
Untitled writing
Untitled writing
The night brings only crickets to interrupt it’s silence. Of course, there is me and you, together, making the rocks turn beneath our feet. We hold each others hands without actually holding them and we tell each other how we feel without speaking a word. We’ve always done this. For most people, I guess it wouldn’t make any sense. How can I feel the softness of your touch and hear the comforting words from your mouth if you do not move a muscle? We never made much sense anyway.
Honestly, nothing between us has ever transitioned smoothly. I often think about how much of an immature asshole you are and you always tell me how much of a bitch I am. Regardless of our heated arguments about you running around and about me always being so confusing, we both never lost interest in each other. Would this interest fade if we were ever truly together? Time and time again, I think out loud “Is a bigger mistake to never try or would trying be the biggest mistake of all?”
But right now, walking next to you, I’m convinced that we were never meant to make any sense. We were never made to always agree on everything. Maybe I deserve to be called a bitch, when I am one. Maybe you need to hear how much of an asshole you can be, so you can stop it. I realize that the perfect relationship, whether official or unofficial, does not mean we have to understand everything. We don’t even have to fully understand each other. In the most imperfectly perfect relationship, we just have to feel.
And oh, how I feel for you.
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