dream.

I told you I was in a "vulnerable state" and truth is that it has been my weakness for the longest time to dwell in the past, to hold on to something that I should have let go long time ago and somehow pretend to be full of hope while at the same time sad and pessimistic.

But have you ever began chatting with someone whom you hardly know and ask yourself why you were not friends in the first place? Well that's how I feel about you when we first talked. And as I get to know you better, I was surprised at how you sometimes say or do things that make me say to myself from something like: "That's my favorite song, too" and "That's what I have been thinking, too!" to "No way, that's my dream, too!" It just really fascinates me how sometimes you know things about me that I have never told anyone before. And you are not even aware of that!

I remember writing in this blog about how I have turned bitter on love and all those romantic gestures, and I can't believe that now, 2 years after that post, I am here, safe, sound and...whole. It is as if every (really) bad things that I have gone through are all just a distant memory (or even a bad dream, who knows?)

Now I think that saying I love you is really an understatement, because I feel more than that. It feels as if I have found my real home, you know, that place, that sanctuary where I can express my feelings without being judged. I can start crying one night when I stumble upon a sad story on tumblr and all you did was wipe my tears away without looking at me differently or telling me that I'm weird or whatever. Or that weekend when you went back to your place and I was so lonely when I found a sweet note that you wrote in my phone days before. You always surprise me with what you do, even sometimes when you don't really try to.

If someone had told me few years ago that I would be able to feel and see what I am seeing and feeling now, I would have probably laughed and shrugged it off. Things really do get better after all.

When someone asks me if I'm happy with my life, most of the time I will, without a second thought, say "yes, I'm really happy with my life now". But then as I am lying wide awake in my bed during some of those sleepless nights, I got myself thinking and reflecting back to what happiness really means. Does it mean we have to be happy all the time? No tears, no heartbreaks, no disappointments, no anger and all that? I know most of all tends to avoid all those feelings and myself included too. But we can't expect things to always work out the way we want them to be, right?

There is an episode of The Oprah Winfrey show where she says that in life, we should strive for contentment. Now I didn't agree or much less understand what she means with that at first, but as I grow older (and hopefully mature enough), I now get what she means. Feeling content, to me, means feeling happy but also not disregarding the fact that sometimes we as humans are greedy and selfish, so at times, we may be angry or sad or even disappointed. Being content means acknowledging the fact that we may be sad for certain things and that it's okay to feel certain ways. As for me, crying sometimes (if not most) makes things better. My heart instantly feels lighter and less..sad afterwards. How revealing!

So yes I'm striving for contentment, just because being happy all the time is tiring. I mean have you ever tried so hard to feel happy and to look on the bright side and still end up feeling sad and unsatisfied?

hello again.

Hi!
I know it is way too long since I last posted anything on this blog. Truth is, I didn't even remember I HAVE a blog. I know,right? Well no, actually it's always there in my browser's Top Sites but I just didn't bother to click on it for some strange reasons. You know I have always been a so-called "hopeless romantic" blogger who wrote some heart-wrenching stories about my life and heartbreaks and stuff, and it's true that I've always find it easier to write when I was going through those things (if you know what I mean).  Writing, as I have probably blogged about before, had been my sanctuary, a place where I can release all my thoughts without having to tell the story face to face and having to deal with the response people might make if say, I cry or sob while telling it. But don't get me wrong, it's not that I am anti-social or whatever, but sometimes I tend to summarize the story when I say it, so I think writing it down is much better for details sake. 
And well, for the past 10 months I can say that I have "grown up" quite a lot, resulting in me involving less dramatic emotion in my decision making hence making my life boring enough to not blog it out. Get some lose some. Though I can't honestly tell which one I want the most, my writing inspiration which means letting myself go crazy with all the dramas or my stable "uninspirational" life. Meh.
But I'm getting happier now, which is a  good thing, right? So what I'm trying to say here is that I'm not sure if this blog is gonna be frequently updated but I hope I will.
Until next post ,take care :)

better run

It's a great great feeling knowing that there will always be videos or songs i can run to whenever i feel a little down and lonely. I have literally been replaying these amazing videos/songs and what should i say.. I'm happier than ever.

Sometimes I wish I could do just that, you know, for once, look at life from a bigger picture. I hate to admit this but I guess I have somehow turned into a narrow-minded person. I have always believed that things happen for a reason, but wouldn't it be nice if we are allowed to see the consequences of each decisions we  are going to make? wouldn't it be somewhat easier if everything is figured out? no?

one day

'Live each day as if it's our last', that was the conventional advice, but really who had the energy for that? What if it rained or you felt a bit glandy? It just wasn't practical. Better by far to simply try and be good and courageous and bold and to make a difference. Not change the world exactly, but the bit around you. Go out there with your passion and your electric typewriter and work hard at...something. Change lives through art maybe. Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loved, if you ever get the chance.
— David Nicholls

If I should quote..

Do you know when you need to compartmentalize your life?  When you forgot the last time you travel somewhere other than for business.  When you never leave the office earlier than 8.  When it’s been two years since the last time you take a long leave of absence.  When all of your relationships went down the drain.  When you don’t even have the time to learn to drive.  When you forgot the last time you went on a real date. When you shop more than ever, justifying it by saying shopping is a therapy.  When you have time for everyone but yourself.  When the last thing that you did before you go to sleep is going through next day’s meeting in your head instead of messaging or calling your loved ones.  When the only private time you have is plugging your ears with headphones, listening to iPod as you close your eyes on the way to and from work everyday.  When the only time you’re home is when you sleep and take a bath.  When your friend said: “SMS yang nggak penting itu belum tentu berasal dari orang yang nggak penting juga,” and your respond is: “Yeah, whatever.”  And when Nigel in The Devil Wears Prada said to Andy: “You know you must be doing really well at work when your personal life crumbles,” you thought to yourself: “So my big promotion must be coming up really soon.”
Indeed, Ika Natassa.

sunday morning.

Trust me, I have been wanting to write something -anything out of my system- on this blog but I guess I've been kind of uninspired lately. Anyway, I found out that cindymonica tagged me on this blog award (thanks!!) and then I am supposed to write 10 things about myself. Well the problem why writing this post is taking so long is that I thought I know everything about myself, I thought writing 10 things wouldn't be a problem, you know.. but really, it took me a while and a whole lot of reflecting back to finally realize that I don't know anything deep about myself. I'm confused about which things or decisions I made that would perfectly describe who I really am, and I guess this really gives me the so-called epiphany of how ignorant I am about myself. So anyway, here goes the list of 10 things I know about myself:
1. I have tried ice skating and disco skating and...failed miserably.
2. My ideal date would be staying at home watching some action movies with home cooked or delivery foods.
3. I am not a very sociable person. In fact, sometimes I am concerned about my propensity of being comfortable alone. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't enjoy it, if anything, being alone so far has given me nothing but more time to reflect.
4. Speaking of loneliness, sometimes my bitter self would believe that it's better to be alone because then I would have nothing/no one to lose.
5. I have ignored a person trying to talk to me by faking a phone call.
6. I've learned that the "getting in touch" doesn't really work out in a friendship or relationship unless we are best friends or we really have things to discuss about. Other than that, I think distance does matter.
7. My daily routine now consists pretty much of sleeping, working, and eating.
8. My all-time favorite song is Maroon 5's Sunday Morning. The music and lyrics are just so perfect.
9. I am rather cynical when it comes to reading books/novels. I dislike reading those novels with predictable story lines, but I'm impressed with the growing number of talented Indonesian writers nowadays.
10 It's safe to say that Ika Natassa's Divortiare is one of my most prized possessions, and it just amazes me how I could relate to different things every time I read that book.

And here goes the 5 blogs I'm tagging in no order whatsoever:
Chapter of LifeScatterbrainJennifer SohWei LingMonica Cuaca
Looking forward to knowing more about you!

Waiting for forever.

Dear Emma,

Those two words “Dear Emma” take me away to another time when we used to write to each other after Mom and Dad died. I used to tell you about my new friends and my new life. And you used to tell me about the grand time my mom and dad were having in heaven.

Truth is nothing. What you believe to be true is everything. And the main thing that I used to believe was that I would be with you forever. Forever.The reason it has taken me so long to write to you is that I see that I have been a fool. I’ve spent my life fooling myself.

Every letter I’ve ever written to you has been a love letter. How could they have been anything else? I can see now that all of them except this one were bad love letters. Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing. This, I’m pleased to announce is my first good love letter to you because there is nothing more for you to do. You’ve already done everything. I have enough of you in my head to last forever. So please don’t ever worry about me. I’m peachy. I really am. I have everything.

If I had one wish it would be that your life brings you a taste of the happiness you have brought to me. That you can feel what it’s like to love.

Your friend forever,

Will

you and I

Maybe. I don't know why but I like this word. I think the word Maybe is a very graceful way of answering something we are unsure about. More than that, I think saying Maybe is a very bold thing to do as it takes courage to stand in between yes or no, like the way it is to choose grey instead of just black or white. I do think people should use maybe more often because the world has turned into a place full of uncertainties, and a simple yes or no isn't enough. Yeah, for me the world's complicated like that and Maybe has the power to let my mind wander around my wildest thoughts, to the places where yes or no knows nothing about. It is ironic, to think about, the fact that a single word like Maybe has a way of making me feel less guilty and hopeless about myself, as if saying Maybe gives me the rights to be optimistic. The world's getting crazier and you know, sometimes I think being in the uncertain state is one of the ways to be happy. I don't know, maybe it's just me (see? I'm using maybe again) but in a very strange way I began to believe that maybe this is where the beauty of the world lies, in the strangest of places, in that state of not knowing which way to go, in that moment of standing for nothing and feels okay about it, in that split second after saying 'who knows?', and all in all, in living with uncertainties yet having the courage to hope.

exit strategy

You know you're screwed when you turn to another pages of your books, trying too hard, and failing, to absorb any new informations. It's quite impossible, to think again, how you could possibly compact a year of lectures and tutorials into 3 or 4 days of intense study. But as a last-minute learner (idk if there's such a phrase) I do "treasure" the burden and the stress. There's nothing quite like the feeling of having this huge pressure on you, knowing that no matter what, you can only count on yourself when you enter the exam hall because well, I believe that's what real life feels like,too. You finally feel the cold breeze, the unfriendly smile, the "I could not care less" facial expression and the "Mind Your Own Business" sign all over the place. It's hard, you know, realizing that real life starts as soon as you decide to step out of your comfort zone. At least I know now why many prefer staying forever in their comfort zone, avoiding any risk and potential disappointment.

ahh, maybe it's just my gloomy and bitter alter ego acting up again..

"I'll love you when you wake up on the other side."

I treasure this video as watching it brings me back to those days when these kind of cheesy romantic acts of love matter a lot to me. It feels kind of amazing, knowing that now, I feel somewhat different, as in when I'm watching it, I don't desperately hope that someone would do the same thing to me or confess his love in a creative and breathtaking way as what they usually portray in movies like I would few years ago.
love is a funny thing, you know.
it once gave you a heartwarming, beautifully odd and crazy feeling but somehow, somewhere and sometimes turns out to be the greatest feeling in the world, and when it leaves, you think it's the worst feeling that you wished you have never felt that in the first place. But really, is that so? 
I'd like to believe that love doesn't really leave. It merely changes form, or should I say, our perspectives towards love change as we grow up. Sometimes, on not-so-good days, I'd hear myself think that maybe life's better without love and all the dramas that it brings, so I ran away. But I came into a bitter realization that I had been running in a full circle, because eventually, I will end up in the very first place all over again, being in love.
Love that once makes me act foolish: smile to the phone as I received cheesy but sweet texts, silly poses at photo booths, holding hands wherever we go, and celebrating anniversaries (or monthiversaries) now changes it's form to a more "grown-up" ways, you know, the one that doesn't need the other half near you to know that it is love, and I believe, all the act that can only be understood if you know what unconditional love means.
and sometimes if I'm optimistic enough, I'd think love as the only thing saving me from all the bad things and feelings in the world.

one way or another.

"We need to talk" he said, his eyes looking into mine, demanding for an immediate consent. My heart was literally beating fast and my eyes were busy looking through his, searching for a soothing blink or anything that mimes "everything will be okay". I wanted to ask him what's wrong but I guess I have sensed it earlier when he pays more attention to his phone than to our conversation in that ridiculously crowded coffee shop, so I remained silent. I followed him back to the car, and for that few minutes we looked like two strangers walking awkwardly in the same direction, ignoring any eye contacts and in that few minutes too I began to believe that it's all we will ever be, strangers. Have you ever wondered why two people are given the chance to meet and fall madly in love at one point but remain two perfect strangers at another point of time? Many crazy thoughts were running inside my mind during that silent and awkward walk to the parking lot, "what is he going to say? is there something wrong with me? what am I gonna do?" and I suddenly had this urge to disappear because I had never been prepared for anything like that before. But I guess it takes courage to say whatever he wanted to say and besides, I have all the rights to know if there's anything wrong with our relationship, so I followed him anyway. 
"I don't know where to begin", he finally opened the conversation and like a nervous little boy he refused to look at me. I could tell that he has been practicing the line over and over again and decided that those few words would perfectly portray his whole intention. I looked straight into his weary eyes and through the long pause, I was busy sorting out lists of questions to ask but decided to cut the crap and jump straight into my biggest fear. "Are you in love with someone else?" I asked, tears falling gently down the corner of my tired eyes but with all the strength I could build, I tried to make my voice sound as normal as crying will ever be. "I don't know", he quietly said. The conversation went on and I know that there is actually nothing more to say but at that time, my mind was so chaotic that I couldn't stop asking why and probably annoyed him with those stupid questions. I wanted him to convince me and he had done all he could do to. There comes a point when I finally understood that there was nothing I could do, so without thinking much, I instinctively hugged him. I was hugging him so tightly that it was when I finally let go that I noticed he was not hugging me back. I felt the tears forming in my eyes but I smiled and said thank you instead. I got out of his car and the cold wind quickly made its way to my teary eyes, making them numb. I have known that there will be a day like this and when the day comes, I would confront my fears, clear all my hesitations and eventually believe that it's meant to be. I learn through all the fights and long distances that this day would come but little did I know that it too was the day when I lost my very best friend.

Stating the obvious fact

My life has been in pretty much a rush lately. I feel like I'm walking in a fast moving track, you know, the kind that keep moving fast forward even when you've stop running. Time flies, and I think a good number of people would agree with me on that, but right now, staring blankly at the dusty pile of books, a wooden board filled with photos, movies and concert tickets and notes hanging tightly on the wall, I could still think of the day I say goodbye to my parents before I head back to the apartment all by myself. I could still recall the day when I think that was it, the doomsday, and God knows it felt awful. But today, only three weeks away from the commencement of my final year's exam, I felt a little repulsive jolt in my chest and like a grumpy old woman, I would moan that time flies too fast!
Unlike some of my friends, I am completely clueless about where I'm heading to after the graduation.Working life has marked a rather pessimistic and traumatic impression on me, judging from my past internship experience. Well, getting a postgraduate degree would be an option worth considering, but I don't know, maybe I would get a photography lesson and end up being a photographer. Well, who knows?
  or maybe, just maybe I'll study spoken word poetry instead :p

the enigma of life.

The truth, in a nutshell, might sound harmless. Of course. It's something definite, a hard undisputed fact that will sooner or later be revealed. It's something people seek, demand and wait for because well, they know it's the only thing real. I, on the other hand, was not a great fan of the truth. I believe I was reluctant to find out the truth about something as I couldn't see why I shouldn't take it for granted. Some things are better left unspoken. I used to believe that the truth is incapable of changing feelings or perspectives, you know, why should it be when we only believe what we want to believe?
The thing is that sometimes this "defense mechanism" of mine can't really save me from those disappointments, regrets and well, heartbreaks. The truth can sometimes hit us right in our insecurities and maybe that's why many people (people like me) prefer something delicate, painless (hopefully) and inoffensive like making up reasons, excuses, fake expectations and all. But what's amazing is that no matter how painful and uncomfortable knowing the truth can cause, deep down in some hidden corner of this complicated mind, I know that the truth is the only thing keeping myself intact. I used to be afraid of knowing the truth, I used to hide myself from the truth, praying hard that it will finally decide to mess with someone else's life, but who am I kidding? I can't always have all the things the way I want it to be, I can't change what's already meant to be, sometimes I can only let go, accept the truth as it is while crossing my finger, hoping that someday, it will all make sense.

day one.

You were there and I was there. I looked deep into your eyes and you looked deep into mine. You did not say a word and neither did I. It was as if we were lost in our own little world. Your lips moved and you asked, “Where do we go from here?” I looked into your dark brown eyes, and with all the petty courage i could muster, i said “It’s wherever you want to go, but without me.” I stood up. One more glance at you. Then I walked away. And in your soft voice, you uttered wearily,“Didn’t you tell me about parallel universe and how exactly alike it is to the universe we are in? Well i wish it exists because if the other me were to meet the other you, i wouldn’t want him to let you go.” I whispered to myself, “I wouldn’t want her to get away either.”
And just like two trains leaving in the night, we were on our separate ways.
taken from parallel universe and perplexities

Redang!

watch me as I whine.

I have always been a sucker for good old memories. You know that feeling when you see something that reminds you of the past? Sometimes when it comes, I could not help but let those feelings in and take over my mind. I think about how I have changed for the past few critical years of my life. The thing is, as I grow "older", those kind of memories and feelings become more and more surreal to me. I know at the back of my mind that those things happened somewhere in the past but there was a point when I actually questioned the existence of those things, you know. Did it actually happen? or was it a dream? 
Maybe it's safe to say now that I have turned into a bitter person. I expect less from people around me, and I came into conclusion that not everyone has to be nice to me. It's me being pathetic, skeptical, or merely giving a self-pity, you name it, but hey, maybe it's me growing up. Maybe people don't really change, you know.. Maybe sometimes we ignore that tiny little part of them that doesn't fit our criteria. We believe what we want to believe, remember? We cling to the piece that we embrace the most, ignoring the other tiny little pieces that we don't want to know. And when those tiny little pieces grow into a huge pile problem, we blame them for changing. Maybe it's part of our defense mechanism, I don't know.. but we can't blame people for showing who they really are, can we?

infinite.

I know for a fact that I have not been updating this blog as frequently as I had been last year, and I know I had been making up excuses and cliché reasons including the one saying that I currently am in my final year and assignment is taking its toll on my time management (oh, like I have one) and my so-called writing skills. I began to utilize lots of thesaurus to find the hopefully most suitable synonym that I don't really understand to replace a simple and really, a more understandable word for my assignments. I'm just glad to say that I'm halfway to the finish line and I just hope I'll stop procrastinating and actually put my mind on the upcoming assignments. "It must have been a really boring life" you would probably say. A selfish part of my brain actually agrees to that statement but my alter ego (yeah, right) tells me to see beyond the pain and stressful life where one day this will all make sense. Positively thinking, I do believe that a certain amount of "bad" things and feelings are essential because what would life be if it's filled only with "pretty" and potentially fake things or feelings? I'd say my life has been perfect, to a certain degree of perfection, of course. They said perfection is subjective, so I can't really explain to you why, but in the midst of the jumbled emotions, life-altering words left unsaid, and all that, I find my self-defined perfection and that's more than enough.
Anyway, I just finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, a brilliant book, I should say. It's about this typical high school life in the eye of a schizophrenic, Charlie. The book is in the form of series of letters written by Charlie to an anonymous recipient. What's remarkable about this book is that the author uses simple wordings that magically capture the idea of what he truly means and in the end, it left me with a deep admiration of how simple things in life do count and just like what Charlie says: "It is now my favorite book of all time, but then again, I always think that until I read another book." 

After the dance, we left in Sam's pickup. Patrick was driving this time. As we were approaching the Fort Pitt Tunnel, Sam asked Patrick to pull to the side of the road. I didn't know what was going on. Sam then climbed in the back of the pickup, wearing nothing but her dance dress. She told Patrick to drive, and he got this smile on his face. I guess they had done this before. Anyway, Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called "Landslide." When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing.
And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

Again, note to self.

That's the funny thing with growing old. As the years drift by, you began to understand that growing old doesn't always mean growing up. Even when you have reached your so-called legal age, or when you are old enough to make your own decision, you find yourself making the same mistakes again and again. You began to crave for that attention your parents gave when you were small, you wish you had time to sit down and read books -any books, without having to worry about your job or assignments, or you wish you were as free and careless as you were in your teenage years. But you assume realize that you have grown up so you began to fill those gap nonchalantly with things and pseudo emotions. Thinking that you have finally understood your responsibility as an adult, you began to surround yourself with your work, making lots and lots of money, spending weekends doing charts or presentation slides in the coffee shops, shopping for branded clothes and wear them around conceitedly. You find yourself avoiding sunlight while walking to your favorite café during lunchtime as it will burn your skin and cost you another round of check-up with your skin specialist (but that's okay, you'll do a monthly check-up anyway), you apply heavy makeups to cover up your flaws and yet you still feel empty. 

Sometimes we, as adult, fail to understand the real meaning of growing up. We thought by calling ourself legal, we instinctively learn how to be grown ups. We spend our time running errands, chasing higher positions, achieving first-classes, spending money keeping up with the latest technology, and for what? We think our time is too precious to spend it at home, with the ones we truly love, the ones who stay and instead, we pay for those entertainment that doesn't guarantee a long-term contentment, we ignore the fact that we can get them all free, by making times for ourselves, by questioning what we really need, by slowing down our steps and listen to the music they play at the sidewalks, and most importantly, by doing things that make us happy, no matter how insignificant and pointless they might be.